


for you i'd bleed myself, oh honey have i bled

by jainasolosgirlfriend



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Legacy of the Force Series - Aaron Allston & Troy Denning & Karen Traviss
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Drama & Romance, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Legacy of the Force, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 16:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 40,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21376855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jainasolosgirlfriend/pseuds/jainasolosgirlfriend
Summary: Jaina Solo is forced to come to terms with the aftermath of slaying her brother, but before that she must tackle the baggage that she carried with her up until that moment; a significant amount of that being her rather annoying mission partners who for some reason think they should fight over her while also expressing complete disinterest towards her.What's a girl to do when she finds herself completely avoidant of reality and obsessed with seducing one of the aforementioned mission partners to distract from the fact that her whole life has fallen apart?-Serving to fill in the gaps between LOTF and FOTJ, Jaina and Jag get their very complicated reconciliation while Jaina makes peace with Zekk's fate and her own reallity
Relationships: Jagged Fel/Jaina Solo, Jaina Solo/Zekk (Star Wars), Zekk (Star Wars)/Taryn Zel
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I keep starting what should be 2k fics and expanding them into something so much more than that, but once I start I reaaally cannot stop myself. The progression of this went from me wanting to writing a Jaina/Jag/Zekk threesome then it turned into to me making it 100% canon compliant then I said, hey, maybe I should make this a Jaina Solo character study, and then hey, maybe this should be from both Jaina and Jag's point of view....You get the point.
> 
> The final product: Filling in the gaps of LOTF that would explain Jaina and Jag's reconciliation, a proper conclusion for Zekk/Jaina and a nice little forray into Zekk/Taryn (I really wish that book never got cancelled, RIP). I also wanted to bridge the gap between Jaina's devastation throughout and after lotf to her being pretty okay and chill in fotj like nothing happened, lmao. In my opinion at least, to recover that completely from killing Jacen, she'd have had to go through some serious stuff to get to that point (But again, that book got cancelled, RIP.)
> 
> I also split it into two chapters because, why not? Finally, it jumps around a bit so I put in time stamps so you can follow which part I've jumped (which means that if you want to be exact you'd have to be familiar with lotf, but it's not that serious at the end of the day. It can be read without it).

_Between the events of Sacrifice and Inferno. Coruscant, 40.5ABY_

Underneath the orange sky with her eyes trained on the setting sun, Jaina settled back against the trunk of a tree situated in the nearly empty garden that belonged to the Jedi Temple. Coruscant was a metal city, for a lack of a better word, and only a few areas were designated for green space that were mostly a left over from the Yuuzhan Vong occupation. The Temple was one of the only places that had its own greenery. For that, Jaina was entirely grateful.

She was far more comfortable among the trees than surrounded by the dull grey that seemed to haunt the planet she’d almost begun to call home. Yavin 4 was probably the closest thing she ever had to home, complete with her best friends and brothers by her side every day. Jaina didn’t have brothers any more, and she wasn’t sure how many friends she had either.

Zekk was her friend, as he had been almost her whole life, but she had grown accustomed to keeping her distance from him in the last few years and more increasingly in the last few weeks. Ever since Jagged Fel had returned and her uncle had assigned them to the Alema Rar task force, Zekk had seemed to forget about promising her that he was long since over his childhood infatuation with her.

Jaina grimaced to herself as her mind naturally drifted to the topic she was trying to avoid by coming out here in the first place. For whatever reason, Jag and Zekk insisted on petty sniping that seemed to always center around her. And yes, Jaina didn’t know the reason. Zekk was supposed to be over her, and Jag had made it very clear that he only tolerated her presence because of the mission. Yet, they made it a point to either compete for her attention or to belittle each other at every opportunity.

It was childish in a way that Jaina knew wasn’t native either of them. She was a grown adult woman, and she’d made it clear that she wasn’t interested in love- not anymore. There was hardly a heart left in her chest that could afford to be broken again.

Tears welled up in her eyes, but they didn’t fall. Mara Jade Skywalker had died only a few days ago, and her family was more of a mess than she’d ever thought they could be. Her uncle was grieving badly, he’d already acted against Jedi code when he’d gone against Lumiya and killed her- and Jaina had let him. Now, they believed Alema Rar was responsible, the same Alema Rar that Jaina had failed to get rid of because she was busy basking in the pathetic attention that her mission partners occasionally showered her with.

Choking back a sob, her hand moved to cover her mouth as she tried not to get too loud. There wasn’t anyone in sight, but the last thing she needed was for someone to see her in her suffering. That was why she had to get away; she’d told Jag and Zekk that she wanted them to leave her alone, that she needed to grow up and stop wishing for something she’d never have.

They understood, of course. They would still want to comfort her in this confusing time but she couldn’t even bear the thought of even a hand on a shoulder. She wanted nothing to do with them- that was what Mara wanted from her.

Her hand fell from her mouth as the sobs came out unrestrained. Her aunt had died thinking she was an immature love-sick teenager in a thirty-one-year-old’s body, and Jaina had done nothing but reinforce that thought. Why couldn’t she have just been the responsible adult that her aunt had wanted her to be?

Jaina shook her head as she wiped the tears away, her face no doubt streaking from the volume of liquid she’d just expelled. It seemed that she couldn’t stop crying, no matter what she told herself. She wanted to do better, but she didn’t know how.

She’d have to go back inside soon, put on a brave face and tell her mission partners that she was fine. Then they’d get back to the important task of finding and making Alema Rar pay.

-

_During the Events of Inferno, Ossus, Jedi Academy. 40.5 ABY._

Jaina sat cross legged, trying to enter into a deep meditation. Whenever she was in a difficult situation, as she was now, she always tried to get some answers from the Force. Operative word being _tried_, Jaina wasn’t the best at meditation, not when her thoughts always ran miles ahead of her.

Opening her eyes, Jaina frowned to herself. She and Jag had been forced to comply with the insane Commander Serpa’s orders to surrender their weapons. They’d complied solely for the safety of the students who were currently being held hostage- by Jaina’s brother no less.

She bit her cheek hard enough to draw blood. Thinking about Jacen made her angry and sad at the same time. But she didn’t have time to feel either of those things. She would never live up to the title of Sword of the Jedi if she spent her time dwelling on every fleeting emotion.

_"And probably a third and a seventh, "Jaina answered. "It might take some effort to find her, but I'd bet my shirt that Alema is here."_

_Jag said, "I accept!" at the same time Zekk said, "Okay!"_

_Jaina frowned, confused by their enthusiasm. "What?"_

_"Your bet." Zekk leered across the fuselage. "I accepted."_

_"Hey, I was first!" As usual, it was impossible to tell from Jag's tone whether he was joking, but Jaina thought he probably was. The only gambling she had ever seen him do involved starfighters and slim chances of survival. "The bet is with me."_

Jaina shook the memory from her head. What was _wrong_ with them? Why couldn’t they just make things easy for her and go after someone else, anyone else.

Her gaze flickered to the figure beside her, scowling openly at him. Both Jag and she had taken charge of a group of the students to help Tionne and Kam since most of the masters and knights had gone to Coruscant for Mara’s funeral-

Jaina swallowed down the guilt. She had missed something so important to redeem herself. It was important that she do this, but she still wished she could be with her uncle and cousin during this time. She hadn’t even seen her parents since it happened. What had happened to this family?

Jag seemed to notice her turmoil and turned his gaze to her. “Serpa won’t get the upperhand, we’ve held out this long.”

Jaina scoffed. Of course his mind was stuck on the task at hand while she spent time day dreaming about feeling wanted by two men who claimed to want nothing to do with her-

“Jaina, are you okay?” Jag asked, his eyes uncharacteristically soft. Jaina hated to see it.

“Just peachy,” Jaina replied dryly. “And yes, we’ve done the drills with the younglings over and over. It doesn’t mean we can guarantee their safety if a madman’s finger slips on the trigger.”

“We still have Zekk, remember?” Jag reminded her.

Jaina nodded. Luckily, they’d left Zekk on the ship when they’d come down to look for Rar, and now they had him as a trump card against the GAG forces that kept the Academy, including the children, hostage at Jacen’s orders.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Jag asked again carefully.

She felt her temper rise at his constant questioning. “What does it matter to you if I am or am not?”

Before Mara died, Jag would have probably coiled back and left her alone. Now, and against her wishes, he’d endure her irritability, probably out of pity. She didn’t want his pity.

Jag stared at her for a long minute before shaking his head and looking away. “Right, I shouldn’t even care to ask.”

“You shouldn’t,” Jaina scowled at him. If being harsh was how she was going to get him to go back to treating her like dirt, then so be it.

Jag raised a brow, seemingly unruffled by her behaviour, but said nothing else. Somehow, that made her even angrier.

“What were you and Zekk even playing a few days ago?”

He looked puzzled. “We were playing something?”

Her entire body twisted to face him where they sat on the ledge overlooking the students currently playing a ball game on the field. She met his eyes with a hard gaze. “Betting on my shirt. Do you really think that was funny?”

“Oh, that.” Jag said with a hint of recognition. “I mean, you made the wager.”

Jaina’s lip twitched in annoyance as she bit her already bleeding cheek to keep from screaming. For whatever reason, she couldn’t keep her emotions in check. She knew it was just grief making her act out. That didn’t make it fair on Jag by dumping it all on him.

“Whatever,” Jaina turned away. Back when they were younger, she could always count on him to engage her in some heated conversation. But he’d clearly grown up since then, and had lost any affection for her, and couldn’t bother to argue with her. If only she could grow up too.

A hand came to rest on her shoulder, and Jaina was proud that she only flinched internally. Her head raised once more to meet Jag’s eyes that were filled with apology.

“I’m sorry,” Jag started, “For making you uncomfortable.”

Jaina shrugged his hand off. “Then just _stop_. If you and Zekk don’t like each other, then just keep me out of it.”

Jag frowned. “I don’t dislike Zekk at all.”

She rolled her eyes, “Right, that’s why you two snipe at each other every other minute.”

Surprisingly, Jag chuckled. “Have you ever thought that it’s just fun between friends?”

It was Jaina’s turn to raise a brow. “I didn’t know you made friends.”

“Eh, you’re right. I don’t.” Jag leaned back. His eyes turning to the forest ahead where Zekk hid. “But really. I don’t have anything against him.”

“That’s a relief, I guess. I would hate if you two fought to the death.” Jaina left out the part about not wanting to see either of them hurt. She didn’t even understand it herself. What kind of stupid school-girl likes two guys at the same time-

“Please,” Jag interrupted her thought with a scoff. “I’m a little too old for that now.”

Jaina’s gaze naturally moved to the white streak that seemed to be the continuation of the scar over his right brow. She used to tease him that it made him look like an old man. Now, they were truly getting older.

“I suppose you are,” Jaina said softly before settling into silence. She winced at the throb in her cheek from where she’d bitten down twice. It was a reminder that she needed to get older too.

Beside her, Jag wanted to say something else, but he knew better than to pry. Jaina looked back out at the younglings who needed them for protection. That was the only thing she needed to focus on now.

-

_Hyperspace_

She could barely keep her eyes open. There hadn’t been much sleep since they’d managed to take back the Academy from Jacen’s goons. Now, they were back to following the leads on Alema Rar, and while Jag preferred to remain in the pilot’s chair, she and Zekk opted to rest in the small bay in the ship.

Jaina was lying down on the small stretch of seating, her head propped up by her elbow. They’d arrive soon and it was not time to be asleep, but she found herself unable to even sit upright.

“Jaina,” Zekk said softly. She blinked a few times before fully opening her eyes to regard him. He was kneeling beside her make-shift bed, his eyes full of the same pity that Jag had been looking at her with while they spent two weeks on Ossus.

“What?” Jaina muttered, too tired to put any venom into it.

“You can go to sleep, you know,” he said simply.

Jaina slowly sat up, shaking her head. “We’re almost there.”

Zekk sighed, taking the now freed space as a seat beside her. “Jag says we’re still a few hours out.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s not time for sleeping.”

Zekk’s face fell. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“Doing what, my job?” Jaina shook her head.

He made a face at that. “You expect to get anything done with no sleep?”

“I know what I’m doing. I don’t need you hovering over me,” Jaina bit back. Why were they both hell-bent on annoying her?

“You’re punishing yourself,” Zekk said.

Levelling a glare his way, Jaina looked at him accusingly. “You honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you taking advice from Jag or do you actually believe I’m doing something that stupid?”

He didn’t rise to the bait and get angry, instead leaning back against the seat with a sigh. “I’m not sure what Jag has to do with this, but yes, I actually believe you are.”

She snorted, too sleep deprived to fight. “Humour me. How am I punishing myself?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Zekk started, “Depriving yourself of sleep for one.”

“I already told you there’s no time for luxuries,” Jaina bit back. What about this did he not get?

Zekk pointed to her palms, his eye slocked on the indents left on them by her nails. “You keep doing that too.”

Jaina followed his gaze, surprised that she hadn’t noticed before. Her palms were red and scarred by her own nails. Sure, she’d done that to herself, but it wasn’t intentional. She didn’t even know they were there until now.

Hiding her hands, Jaina looked back at him. “Okay, fine, let’s say I am punishing myself. What reason would I have to do that?”

“I can think of a few. Jaina, you’re still grieving-”

Jaina lifted a hand to interrupt. “Stop. Just don’t say anymore.”

“You need to allow yourself to breathe right now,” Zekk continued.

“I am breathing just fine,” Jaina almost roared at him until she realised that she really wasn’t. Sure, how body was taking in air, but somehow it felt like how tissues were being poorly perfused, so much so that she felt like she was suffocating, drowning even.

Her brows furrowed and her face screwed up as she tried to school her face into a neutral expression. It obviously wasn’t working because Zekk was pulling her into his arms in the next second. She wanted to resist him, push him away and yell at him for invading her space when she’d told him she wanted him to stay at least ten feet from her person. But this was the touch she’d craved for weeks, maybe even months.

Jaina buried her face into his chest as she felt the tears flow freely. Zekk didn’t say anything, only holding her tight as he rubbed her back. She had only allowed herself to cry in front of someone else when it had first happened. She’d fallen to her knees and cried to her uncle who had been one of only two people who felt Mara’s death more than she did. Now, she would let Zekk see her too.

It didn’t take long for the sobs to come too, and Jaina had enough good sense to stop from screaming like she wanted to. Wouldn’t that be nice, to truly be able to let go all she was feeling? Wouldn’t it be nice if she couldn’t feel anything at all.

Zekk was warm and inviting, and Jaina knew that all she needed to do was say the word and he’d do anything to keep her safe. But she didn’t deserve to get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that came with that. She didn’t even deserve this hug he currently gave her- but she was selfish enough to accept it for the time being.

After today, she wouldn’t cry anymore. She wouldn’t burden Zekk- or Jag- with her fickle emotions.

-

_After the Events of Fury, Moon of Endor, 40.5 ABY_

Everyday, her brother became more of a stranger. She had been the first in the family to know he had gone dark, and while she’d warned everyone else, it still got to the point where he was burning planets to the ground and holding children hostage- including his own daughter.

Alema Rar had been dealt with, and she’d convinced Jag to stay with the Jedi. She didn’t know why she had asked him to stay, or was prepared to even beg for him to, but it was something she was grateful to have done. Was it because he’d gotten through to her? He’d embarrassed her in a sparring match, and she responded with the anger that she’d been holding in for weeks- and almost hurt him in the process. Then he’d shouted at her, he’d put her in her place as he probably should have long ago. But most importantly, he’d shown her that she wasn’t ready for what she needed to do. He’d shown her she was setting herself for failure, as a Jedi and as a human.

Jaina hadn’t thought of her humanity in a long while. She’d been almost possessed by grief and anger that she’d pushed everyone away until she was as alone as she felt inside. But like in the past, she was unable to want to be alone whenever it came to Jag. She feared losing him, even if she had gotten used to the feeling.

Zekk had tried to get her to see this point too, although he wasn’t as effective as Jag’s harsh approach. But she deserved it, and not in the self-depreciating way she believed she deserved the other things she’d inflicted on herself so far. They’d both helped her to realise that she couldn’t contribute to the pain that she was already feeling. Even though she knew she had to go after her brother, she would have to do it without losing herself altogether.

Opening up herself to her emotions, however, meant having to deal with the consequences, and one of those was going back to having conflicting feelings about Jag and Zekk again.

The way they acted around her was confusing. Neither of them seemed interested in being with her, but they’d always be sure to let the other know they _wouldn’t_ want the other man to win. Jaina snorted to herself. There wasn’t much to win anyway.

Did she want a relationship? With Jag, they had lasted a few years before it had fallen apart. With Zekk, she debated if either of their feelings were a consequence of their time as Joiners. How was she supposed to know what she truly felt?

Jaina shook her head as she tuned back into what Jag was saying. She felt a little guilty for missing what he said earlier, but Jaina had always been content in letting him go on and on for as long as he needed. She had always preferred to look at him than listen to him anyway.

“-don’t think Boba Fett is someone you should be trusting with your life,” Jag completed his statement.

“I’m not trusting him,” Jaina reassured him. “Don’t think I won’t hesitate to take him out if it means getting out of there alive.”

Jag nodded, but his worry was still evident in the way his brows knitted together. “Good. That’s a start.”

She found herself smiling at him as a surge of happiness coursed through her. His worry made her feel young again even though he’d never been this protective when they were younger. They flew together in the most dangerous situations imaginable and he’d never outwardly shown any fear for her when they’d go into battle. Maybe it was because he could be in the skies with her, ensuring nothing got the chance to vape her. Now, she was going by herself to the Jedi-hating Mandalorians who would love nothing more than to kill her. She knew Jag well enough that the lack of control over the situation drove him crazy. It was the fact that he thought of her as a friend who he needed to protect that made Jaina feel like a teenager again.

“Will you and Zekk be okay without me?” Jaina asked carefully. It was a relief that she and Jag had finally resolved to be friends- but the resulting breath of life that that had breathed into her was something she was unsure of. He’d gotten through to her, and Jaina knew well enough that she was slowly accepting him back into her heart. She wasn’t sure what to think of that.

“Oh, right. I suppose you won’t have the time to be worrying about us once you leave. I’m sure the tall fellow will find something sufficiently Jedi-enough to pass the time. Me, on the other hand, I can’t say for sure.” Jag hummed in thought.

Jaina resisted the urge to laugh at his rambling. She wasn’t supposed to show him that she’d come to feel joy again at his bizarre manner of speech. Instead she nodded. “I’m sure you’ll find something as equally boring as it is useful for the rest of the base.”

They were outside the old death star wreckage, seated together on a blanket that Jag had laid out whenever he wanted some fresh air out. Jaina wasn’t sure when it had become routine for them to spend their nights out here together, but she wasn’t complaining. With what she had planned to do, Jaina wasn’t sure if she’d have her life in the next few weeks. What Jag had managed to do for her was make her realise she had to cherish the time she had left.

Jag snorted at her comment but chose not to reply as he straightened out onto his back, his eyes fixed on the clear star-less sky. Jaina bit her lip as her eyes scanned over him. Jag wasn’t nearly as tall as Zekk, but he still had many, _many_ inches for jaina to appreciate.

_Come on, Jaina_, she scolded herself. _Don’t let your mind go there._

Instead, Jaina found herself moving to mimic his position, arms folding behind her head as she stared into the sky herself. Through the Force, Jag felt calm and relatively at peace- except for the slight stirrings of worry that ate away at his heart. Jaina knew that worry was more for her than anything else.

“I know you think it’s your destiny to face your brother, but I just can’t see myself agreeing,” Jag said, his words coming out as slow as honey.

They’d had this conversation before. She had run out of ways to convince him that she had to fulfil her uncle’s prophecy as the Sword of the Jedi. Jag would probably never understand why she would choose to tie herself to fate of loneliness and hardships, but she knew that his objections were mainly rooted in his feelings for her. Whatever those feelings were.

“I’ve let Jacen go on for too long,” Jaina said as she had too many times before. “My family has a responsibility to take care of it. I have an even greater responsibility to make sure Jacen can’t go any lower than he already has.”

Jag shook his head, sitting up as he intensely stared into her eyes. She felt herself grow smaller under his gaze. She wanted to concede to him- of course she wouldn’t want to fight and possibly kill her own brother. She wanted to allow herself to get lost in his eyes.

“I just don’t think it has to be this way. I have no complaints about whatever becomes of your brother, but it’s you I’m worried about.”

Jaina sat up herself, a hand moving to rest on Jag’s shoulder. “I won’t go dark. I won’t go after him in anger. You taught me that, remember?”

Jag suddenly looked exhausted as he thought back to the _lesson_ he’d taught her weeks before. “You can’t fault me for worrying about this. I reserve all the rights to complain about you doing this- else you’d think I want this for you.”

“Your worrying is becoming a habit,” Jaina couldn’t keep the grin off her face. “Zekk never worries like this.”

“On the contrary,” Jag objected as he let the good humour affect his earlier mood, “He just doesn’t vocalise it.”

Jaina agreed with him. Zekk was the suffer-in-silence type. “I won’t let you down, Jag. I promise.”

He looked at her for a moment, his expression almost unreadable. “You don’t have to promise me anything. Just make it back to me alive.”

Nodding, Jaina’s hand moved from his shoulder to cup his cheek. It was as if she was on auto-pilot, her muscle memory kicking in to make her react the way she would have fifteen years ago.

“Okay,” Jaina whispered softly. She didn’t have the strength to bring their lips together like she wanted, and Jag probably feared what it would mean if she did. Did it have to mean anything?

Sighing, Jaina’s hand fell back into her lap when Jag still made no move. His eyes were set on the blanket below them and decisively not on her gaze that she was sure practically begged him to kiss her. Maybe it was the night’s cool air and the impending feeling of doom that had haunted her for a long while that made her want something so reckless. But if she was going to die soon, she wanted to kiss Jagged Fel one last time.

Before she could lie back down, Jag’s head ducked down to capture her lips in a firm but gentle kiss that she’d wanted for a long time now. Jaina remained still for a moment, waiting for him to retreat from her and accuse her of playing with his heart again. But when Jag only continued to kiss her, his hands coming to properly guide her into the embrace, she allowed herself to fall into the abyss once more.

That feeling of falling into someone, it was as weightless as moving through space.

-

_During the Events of Invincible, Jedi Base on Shedu Maad, 41.5 ABY_

“I’m sorry about Taryn,” Zekk said nervously as he scratched behind his neck.

Jaina smiled softly. She’d promised herself to put these things to the back of her mind until she’d completed her mission. “It’s fine. You’re too attractive not to have a hot Hapan noble chase after you.”

Zekk looked at her carefully, “You seemed a little jealous earlier. Or am I wrong to think that?”

She shrugged. Although she needed a clear mind it was only fair that she gave him an honest answer. “Yeah. I was a little ruffled about it.”

“Why?” Zekk asked as he sat beside her, their thighs almost close enough to be touching.

“I don’t know,” Jaina shrugged again. “I guess, it’s just been us for such a long time and I’m used to you sort of having a thing for me. It was just…different.”

Zekk nodded. “I get that. But you know, I wasn’t lying when I told you I was over you on Terephon.”

“Oh,” Jaina raised a brow. Something nasty welled up in her stomach at his confession. “Then why did you insist on bucking heads with Jag?”

“Well,” Zekk said casually as he leaned back against the back of the lounge couch. “It was instinctive, of course. I remember how you felt about him- I’d felt it myself when we were joiners. I just wanted to save you from the heartache he could cause you.”

She had never thought about it that way, but she still wasn’t convinced. “I think all you did was make him hate me more.”

“Jag never hated you,” Zekk shook his head. “If he really did then I’d have never got anywhere when I tried to rustle his feathers. I realised from that first week together that he couldn’t hold a grudge against you for long.”

Jaina didn’t want to think it was that easy. “He held a grudge for almost five years. That’s a long time.”

“Maybe. But it took only a week of being near you again for him to feel the need to fight over you with me.”

“So, you really have no feelings for me?” Jaina brought the topic back on track. She was trying to ignore the question of what she’d do- or who she’d choose- when everything was over.

Zekk smiled. “I always will, Jaina. You’ve been my best friend for almost my whole life. You were the first girl I ever liked. I don’t think that kind of affection ever goes away.”

“But?”

“But,” Zekk said slowly, “It’s just nostalgia for me. I can’t imagine myself ever dating you in a serious way.”

_Ouch_, Jaina thought. This was what she’d wanted to hear for years, but now finally hearing it made Jaina feel insecure. Had she really kept her self esteem up by relying on Zekk’s feelings for her to make her feel wanted? Probably.

“Right.” Jaina hoped the disappointment she felt didn’t come out in her tone. While he had been falling out of love with her, she’d started to fall for him. Life was a cruel that way, it seemed.

Zekk’s soft chuckling brought her out of her mini pity-party. She glared at him before he finally explained. “I’m shocked that you’re hurt. Aren’t you hooking up with Fel out back every night?”

Jaina’s face flushed when she made sense of his implication. “I- I am not! Where did you hear that?”

“Woah, woah,” Zekk held up his hands in his defence. “I mean, the base isn’t _that_ big. I’ve noticed the late-night blanket dates under the sky.”

“That’s not what you think,” Jaina struggled to come up with an explanation. “I’m not hooking up with him. We just go out to get some air, that’s all. He’s my friend now.”

Zekk still had on that amused grin when she was finished. “I was just teasing.”

Jaina’s hands moved to cover her reddened cheeks. She scolded herself for allowing herself to get so worked up at the thought. Ever since their kiss on Endor, they didn’t have a chance to talk about what happened since she returned from training with Boba Fett. He would smile at her as they passed each other on the corridors, and he’d expressed his worries about sending her to face her brother in the meeting, but there had been no time for them to properly confront what had happened between them.

“Taryn is strange,” Zekk said, changing the topic for her. “But I really do think she’s someone I could get to know better.”

Despite her disappointment, Jaina’s heart warmed when she felt Zekk’s obvious affection throughout the Force. “That’s good. It’s not often you find someone like that.”

“Yeah,” Zekk agreed, “Because, I suppose I’ve been holding on to the false hope that you’d return my feelings. It was easy to just be around you with no expectations from either of us. I was comfortable like that.”

Jaina nodded. “I know I got comfortable too. Even if it wasn’t fair to you.”

He shrugged. “Maybe. But I think I’m ready to move away from what feels comfortable and take a chance on something new.”

Jaina’s hand moved to cover his. “I wish you the best. But I hope you know that Hapan women are not easy to deal with.”

“Oh, I know,” Zekk squeezed her hand. “But it means a lot, Jaina. I know it won’t be easy for you.”

She scoffed. “I won’t care if you get a girlfriend.”

“Really? I don’t think she’d like it if I followed you around so much. We’d have to behave like normal friends.”

“_That_, I won’t like, some noble girl stealing my best friend from under my nose. But if you insist, I’ll let it.”

Zekk smiled. “Thank you for your blessing.”

She returned his smile. “Of course.”

“I guess I should give you my permission to hook up with Jag, then?” Zekk just had to ruin the moment.

Scowling at him, Jaina pulled her hand out of his as she stood up. As she stormed out of the room, determined to clear her head and focus on the fact that she’d have to kill her brother very, very soon- a reality that Jaina had somehow managed to justify- Jaina turned back to flash him a smirk.

“Who said I needed your permission?”

-

_Shortly After the Death of Darth Caedus (Jacen Solo)_

Numb. That was the only way to describe how she felt.

There were these rare times when no one would be in the medward fussing over her- they did have a lot of things to ensure now that the war was over. With a family as prolific and involved as hers there was no shortage of tasks for them to complete. Still, someone was always with her.

Now that she got to be alone and without someone else there, she succumbed to pure numbness to her situation. She had killed her twin brother. That was the only thought ran through her mind.

When Allana was around, she thought of how she’d deprived her of a father. When it was her parents, she’d deprived them of the last of their sons. Uncle Luke and Ben? Well, they probably thought she’d done them a favour, but in that case she felt guilty for not stopping him before it was too late.

Zekk was missing. It was the only thing that had truly managed to tug at her heart. What could she have done about that? She didn’t know, but it was still her fault too.

Jag hadn’t come to see her yet. He was unimaginably busy with his new responsibilities. Jaina wanted to resent her uncle for thrusting him into the position, but it was probably for the best. She didn’t have the chance to leave the medward to see for herself.

She’d done another surgery two days ago, and that guaranteed her another week at least in the facility. Her injuries were severe, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. Still, Jaina avoided mirrors. She didn’t need to see for herself that she looked as broken as she did on the inside.

Jaina tried to roll onto her side before it erupted into an intense stabbing pain. Her right leg still felt useless even though her many dips in the bacta tank should have fixed her broken bones. She was sore all over and her body wouldn’t even allow her to move from lying on her back all day, head propped up by two over-fluffed pillows.

Closing her eyes, Jaina tried to lull herself into sleep. But her mind wouldn’t allow her the respite. She just had to endure the endless loop of memories playing before her like a horror movie.

“Hey.”

Jaina’s eyes opened at the sudden intrusion. She didn’t sense him come in, but she knew that voice instantly. She would come to regret it, but Jaina couldn’t stop herself from craning her neck to see him.

Wincing when her injuries protested, Jaina put that to the back of her mind as she sized up her visitor. Obviously he still looked the same, but he was now donned in an Imperial dress uniform, full tabard and all as if he’d just left from a ceremony.

“Hi,” Jaina croaked out. The downside to having a tube down her throat two days ago for her surgery was that her voice was still hoarse.

Jag’s eyes scanned her over- and not in the way she used to like. He was surveying her injuries for himself, and his analytical brain was already firing away trying to calculate her prognosis. His gaze returned to her after a few seconds, rewarding her with one of his half-smiles.

Okay- so, her heart fluttered a bit. So what?

“I’m sorry it’s taken me this long. I truly haven’t had the time to get away from, well, everything.”

Jaina wanted to nod but decided against. Reaching out a hand, she invited him to take hers. “I figured.”

Jag accepted, his fingers curling around hers firmly, but gently enough that it didn’t agitate the bruises. “I’m sure you’re tired of being asked, but how are you feeling?”

“Oh, well, the pain killers prevent me from feeling most of it. Physically, I guess I’ll be fine.”

“And emotionally?”

Jaina shrugged, wincing from the pain. “I don’t really feel anything if I’m being honest. Mission accomplished, I guess.”

Jag hummed, moving to sit on the edge of the bed while keeping her hand firmly in his grasp. He looked around the room, inspecting the usual medward décor that was devoid of any genuine feeling that could help patients to get better. He turned his attention back to her.

“A few weeks ago, I said the same thing to you,” Jag commented. Jaina remembered that. He’d finally carried out the last task assigned to him from his clan by ridding the galaxy of Alema Rar. He didn’t need to say it for Jaina to know he’d felt purposeless. Now, he was going to be the Imperial Head of State.

“I think our situations are a little bit different,” Jaina said dryly.

“They definitely are,” Jag agreed. “What you said just brought me back to that time.”

“Welcome to my life,” She muttered under breath before remembering he was close enough to hear her. He looked puzzled.

“What do you mean?”

Her instinct was to clam up and pretend it was nothing. But what else did she have to lose in this life?

“That happens to me a lot,” Jaina clarified. “Everything always brings me back to some distant memory. Especially when it comes to you.”

“Oh,” was all Jag said. It frustrated her the way he never seemed to want to talk about where they were headed. When he’d been the first to find her after slaying her own twin, she felt hopelessly in love in her concussed state, as if because he was here now, she could die happily in his arms. That was probably the concussion speaking, but it told her a lot about her feelings. She had fallen in love with him again- or she never fell out of love in the first place. Or maybe it was a little bit of both.

Jaina couldn’t blame him for being weary of her. She had indeed cost him everything, and he’d suffered as a result of his trust in her. But he had kissed her that night under the clear skies of Endor, and it wasn’t just a short kiss. He had worried about her endlessly while she was on Mandalore, and he’d made the effort to ensure he’d got to her first when she was down.

So, why did he shut down at even the implication that they could be together now?

Jaina took a deep breath. “I guess you’re going to live in Imperial Space now.”

Relieved at the change of topic, Jag seemed to perk up. “It would be the most appropriate thing to do. That doesn’t mean I’ll be there permanently though.”

“So, you’re leaving,” Jaina frowned. At this point, she didn’t care if she looked selfish.

“What would you have me do instead?” Jag asked carefully.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jaina started bitterly before catching herself. He obviously didn’t want to hear a confession out of her, and she had enough of her pride left to avoid possible rejection.

Jag sighed. “Jaina, I know what you’re thinking.”

“I really don’t think you do.”

His shoulders seemed to sag in exasperation. “We promised that we would be friends.”

“You’re the one leaving, not me.” Jaina avoided his eyes. Her emotional numbness was probably the only thing keeping her from crying.

“I know but-” Jag shook his head. “Look, we tried dating before. We tried being in love and thinking that it was the only thing that mattered. It didn’t work out.”

Nodding along, Jaina maintained her gaze on her lap. “I know. I know that.”

“Then you should understand why I’m hesitant,” Jag’s voice sounded off, as if it was hard for him to say the words.

Jaina just couldn’t believe she was being broken up with before they could even begin.

“Yeah,” Jaina finally allowed herself to meet his eyes. “I get it. I broke your heart, and you broke mine. I betrayed your trust and you lost everything because of me.”

Jag frowned. “You don’t need to say it like that.”

“But that’s how it is. It wouldn’t work out between us, so that’s that.”

“I don’t know how you manage to turn everything around your way,” Jag said in frustration, but at least he didn’t sound angry.

“Meaning?”

“It’s not that I don’t think it would work out any more than a friendship between us could, but I still choose to regard you as my friend. I’m visiting you right now; I’m holding your hand.”

Jaina pulled her hand out of his grasp at the reminder. It was getting too comfortable being held by him. “Being friends is different from what we were before.”

Jag nodded. “Yes. It is. What I’m trying to say is that I can trust you again. I already do, to some extent. I just…I guess I just don’t want to feel like that ever again.”

Her eyes widened at his admission. “You think I’d hurt you again if you gave me another chance.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not like you intended to do it the first time.”

“You’re scared?” Jaina didn’t believe her ears. Jag wasn’t supposed to be scared of anything.

“Maybe. Yeah, I guess I am. I don’t want you to hurt me ever again. I could barely recover the first time.”

“Wow,” Jaina finally leaned back against her pillows. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Jag reassured her. “It’s not really you, per se, I just don’t feel comfortable making my self that vulnerable again. To anyone.”

_Yeah, because of me_, Jaina thought to herself as she swallowed down the guilt that seemed to course through her body. It didn’t feel better than the bout of numbness that had plagued her minutes before.

Jaina was still reeling when she finally said something, not before letting the bitter and pained laugh escape her throat. She had to take a few breaths, but she was glad that no tears came with them. “Force, I really didn’t expect it to hurt this much.”

Jag bit his lip, an uncharacteristic nervous gesture. “I’m sorry. My timing is horrible.”

“You think?” Jaina managed between controlled breaths. Why couldn’t she just cry? Her heart was pounding out her chest and her head threatened to explode into a headache. He was here breaking her heart for a second time, and although it hurt as much as the first, she just could not cry.

“Jaina,” Jag’s hands were moving to her back as he noticed her composure failing. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Swallowing the large lump developing in her throat, she nodded slowly. “You’re just being honest.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again before allowing silence to settle over them. He continued to rub her back, and while Jaina appreciated the gesture, it only reminded her of the fact that he didn’t want her.

“Zekk’s still missing,” Jaina said softly. She remembered how distressed he was when she’d told him he’d been shot down before she faced her brother.

Jag nodded. “I know, but we’re still searching. We’re not going to give up.”

Jaina didn’t know what to say. She just wanted her best friend to hold her. Isn’t that how it was supposed to go after being pre-emptively rejected like she’d just been?

Her mind ran to Jacen again, her Jacen that she’d known before she knew herself. The boy she’d loved before she loved anyone else, the first person she’d ever give up her life for. He was dead, and her hand done the deed.

The numbness returned.

“If you need anything,” Jag started, “Anything, I’ll be there for you. I promise.”

Jaina nodded with a forced smile. What she wanted, he couldn’t give her.

“I guess this is goodbye, then,” She settled on.

“I hope not,” Jag confessed. “We agreed to be friends.”

Enduring the pain, she forced herself to turn onto her side- decidedly away from him. “Yeah.”

His disappointment was clear throughout the Force. But what could she do about that? What did he want from her?

“Goodbye, Jaina.” Jag said softly as he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. Jaina tried not to dry-sob at the ghost of his lips against her scalp.

Even as he left, still no tears could come.

-

_The Solo Apartment, Coruscant, 41.5 ABY_

The first seizure came as a surprise.

She had been discharged from the medward for more than a week, and her physical health had improved rapidly. She was walking on her own, and she’d significantly reduced her pain medication since her admission. Her parents had her living with them, of course, as they tried to adjust Allana to life on Coruscant.

She didn’t mind it that much. She mostly stayed in her room in the recently acquired Solo apartment and tried her best not to get too involved. While she was still unable to cry, guilt had become her most frequent visitor.

Her mother had convinced her to watch a holo with the family, and she’d agreed since watching a holo meant no talking for the most part. She did enough talking between sessions with Cilghal, a therapist, and the doctors she’d been seeing. She was all talked out.

What was she supposed to say anyway? She killed her brother, and the galaxy was better off for it.

But the lovely family-oriented holo had depicted a beautiful brother-sister relationship, and Jaina had found herself choking up- with dry eyes- the same way she had when Jag had sort of broken up with her before leaving. Jaina didn’t understand exactly what happened, but the headache had managed to erupt this time and before she knew it, she was waking up to her parents crying faces as she lay sprawled out on the living room floor.

She’d managed to frighten them beyond compare- she would have been too if any of them had suddenly started convulsing. It was embarrassing the way her mother held her like a precious doll as she continued to cry. It was too soon for them to even think of losing another child.

Her dad had picked her up despite her hazy protests and they’d rushed her to Cilghal. Although she felt drained and could barely remember anything, she had insisted she was fine.

Under a scan, her brain looked fine. Cilghal thought it could be the pain medication, or even the trauma of having just killed one’s own brother. But Jaina truly didn’t feel much in that regard.

They’d taken her off the medication completely, which sucked since she was still in pain, but it didn’t do much for her. She’d go about her day, not doing much while her parents watched over her like hawks. When she’d try to go out and live life again was when it got hard.

People _stared_ at her. Whenever a pair of eyes glanced at her, she had a feeling they just _knew_ what she’d done even if they didn’t know her. It was stressful enough that it made the palpitations return, and she’d sweat like crazy until someone finally said a word to her causing her to panic- and then have a seizure.

She had given a preliminary report to the authorities a few days after completing her mission, and while her family had given multiple testimonies on her behalf, she still needed to do follow up interviews. But those started to fall apart. Almost every single one ended in a seizure. She would never be able to finish without losing her breath, sweating like crazy, and then finally convulsing.

It was getting worse, then. Neurologists performed test after test. There were just too many factors at play to definitively say what was the cause. She’d suffered enough head injuries in the past to dismiss the possibility of a brain disorder, and Jaina had enough traumatic events under her belt to rule out dissociative seizures as a mechanism for escaping trauma. The only thing for sure was that they started after having become her brother’s killer.

“Are you going to keep me locked up forever?” Jaina complained, leaning back against the couch with her arms folded against her chest.

Leia scowled at her daughter. “Every time we’ve brought you out, you’d get sick when the server asked you for your order.”

“That was _one _time,” Jaina shot back, “And I told you, he looked at me funny.”

Shaking her head, Leia handed her the plate of fruit she’d just cut up for her. Jaina frowned at the assortment. Her mother had been feeding her various foods that could apparently heal brain damage.

“Yeah, what about the walk in the park?” Leia raised a brow. “Someone called your name and you had a seizure.”

“I hate when strangers look at me, much less speak to me,” Jaina weakly defended herself. The truth was, Jaina feared the outdoors more than she could vocalise. It didn’t matter how much she yearned for her old independence; her kriffing brain just wouldn’t give it to her.

Leia sighed. “Jaina, you need to grieve.”

“Grieve? What happened is in the past, Mom. We all know it was the right thing to do,” Jaina said matter-of-a-factly. She heard enough of this from the therapist who now had to add emotionally induced seizures to her list of things to treat her for.

“I grieved. I’m still grieving. It’s the same for your father and niece.”

At the mention, Jaina turned her gaze to the young child whose eyes were fixed to the screen playing a cartoon that she’d faithfully endeavoured to never miss an episode of as she sat on the floor directly under the holoscreen. Jaina knew the curious girl was still listening to them, though.

“I just don’t feel that way, sorry.” Jaina said honestly. “I can’t force myself to cry.”

“Maybe it’s the avoidance, then,” Leia suggested. “I’ve been reading up on all of this, and like the doctor said, seizures can happen when severely distressing memories resurface. Maybe that’s the same reason you can’t cry. Your brain just won’t let you even think about it.”

Jaina shrugged. “So, I stop seizing and start crying, then what? I switch over to being depressed? That doesn’t sound fun either.”

“Depression can be helped. I’m so scared that one day I’ll lose you to this,” Leia confessed.

“Mom, I’ve never had one for longer than a minute. Cilghal said that’s a good thing. Besides, after everything I’ve been through I don’t think a little seizure is going to get me in the end.”

Leia still looked unsure. “I just want you to get better. I don’t want you locked up here either.”

“Then let me go to the Temple to spar,” Jaina suggested, “Or let me go search for Zekk.”

“No, and no. You are not physically well enough to do either of those things. We can’t risk that.”

“I don’t know what you want from me. I’m trying,” Jaina said weakly.

Leia brushed her daughter’s hair out of her face. “I know, honey. But this is going to take time.”

Jaina opted to shrug again. Her mother wasn’t finished though. “Have you heard from Jag?”

“Sure,” Jaina sighed. “We exchange generic _‘hey, how ya’ doing’_ messages every now and again. Nothing much.”

“I thought you two would talk about much more than that.”

She hadn’t told her mother about Jag breaking up with her. She still had her pride, remember?

“I guess he doesn’t have the time.”

Leia frowned again, but she stopped pressing. Good, Jaina thought. Otherwise she may be forced reveal that she’d been dumped- well not really since they weren’t together but it was almost the same.

Allana laughed, clapping her hands at the holo screen as she called her grandmother over to share in the joke. Jaina watched as her mom slid off the couch to sit cross-legged with her granddaughter as she listened excitedly. Jaina watched, the sight was something she would have to get used to seeing. Her parents had another daughter who needed them more than she did.

It somehow hurt.

She stood and made her way back to her room, locking the door behind her. She needed to get away and go somewhere she wouldn’t be seen or recognised.

The answer came to her almost too soon.

-

_Bastion, The Last Month of 41 ABY_

Jaina gave herself a mental pat on the back for surviving the cramped ride in her X-Wing all this way without having an episode. She slept mostly, anyway, so there wasn’t enough time left over to get worked up into a panic. She counted her decision to leave as a win so far.

Setting down her ship smoothly was almost instinct, she didn’t have to put much time into it. She had just finished arguing with air control to allow her to land here, and after providing the correct codes they’d reluctantly sent her to the hangar as far away as diplomatically possible. Jaina huffed as she switched off her computer, opening the hatch to allow herself some well needed fresh air. She pulled herself out, noting her soreness as she jumped down onto the floor of the hangar. When her feet found their landing, her hands were moving to pull off her helmet and reveal two-day’s-worth of helmet hair.

Before she could even blink, a diligently marching security retinue was coming her way. She had expected as much since air traffic control had indicated that she’d still need to be investigated despite bearing the correct codes. What surprised her was the person leading the retinue. He was a tall and stoic faced Chiss- something Jaina was beginning to think all Chiss men were- who wore a black tunic and pants decorated with the red blood stripes along the lengths.

It had been a while since she’d seen someone reminding her so much of Jag when he was younger.

The Chiss stopped a few metres in front of her, his piercing eyes leering deep into her soul. She almost shuddered. “Jedi Solo.”

Jaina adjusted her stance, one arm on her hips as she held her ground. “And who are you supposed to be?”

As expected, the Chiss kept his disgust at her insolence to himself. “I am Kthr’ashik’tarloo, Head of Security and Personal Assistant to the Head of State.”

“That’s quite the mouthful,” Jaina said dryly. While she knew that Jag was spending most of his time gaining allies and sorting through potential enemies, she didn’t expect for him to find a Chiss to be his personal assistant.

Ignoring her, the Chiss continued, “Please surrender your weapon and come this way.”

Her eyes narrowed his way. “I don’t just give up my lightsabre to anyone.”

“Then it would be wise for you to get back on your ship and go home.”

Jaina bristled at his insistent. If he was anything like Jag, he wouldn’t be backing down any time soon.

“Fine,” Jaina said as she unclipped her weapon from where it hung on her flight suit. “But if anything happens to it, you’ll regret it.”

He accepted the weapon in one hand while the other remained folded behind his back. “Threats are not necessary, Jedi Solo. This way, please.”

Jaina followed him without complaint, eyeing his men carefully as they moved to inspect her ship. She’d excuse it this time since she hadn’t commed to let Jag know she was coming before. In fact, she’d finally worked up the courage to come here after weeks of deliberating, leaving only a note to let her parents she’d be gone for some time.

“Are you sure it’s wise to leave your men behind while you escort me to…where are we going?”

The Chiss didn’t turn to regard her, instead continuing his long strides that Jaina’s short legs struggled to keep up with. “We are going to complete the background check.”

“Right, that doesn’t sound like a place, but okay. But you have my lightsabre right there. I could easily overpower you and commit a variety of nefarious deeds.”

Okay, she knew she should have toned it down. This wasn’t going to help her pass his test, but she felt confident that Jag would vouch for anyway. Besides, the man’s stuffy and unbreakable composure annoyed her to no end. Just like another Chiss-raised man she knew…

He didn’t respond, which only made Jaina’s curiosity grow. She followed him through the hangar, through hallway after hallway, each having its own access code that the Chiss was careful not to reveal to her. Finally, they arrived in the grand receiving room that strongly resembled the Imperial Palace on Coruscant.

She raised both brows, surprised he’d directly taken her to the residential wing almost immediately. Did that mean Jag had already known she was here? So much for surprises.

“How do you know Jag?” Jaina asked when they seemed not to be moving any further.

The Chiss’s eyes remained glued to his datapad as he responded. “I’d prefer if you left the questions to me.”

Taken aback, Jaina frowned. “You haven’t asked me anything.”

He finally lifted his hard gaze to peer at her. “I don’t need to. Your life is well documented as it is, and my men should have completed their sweep of your ship by now. Your holotransmissions appear harmless, and so do the messages that you’ve sent- even the ones you think you’ve deleted.”

“You’re going through my messages,” Jaina growled, her fists clenching at her side. Who did he think he was?

“The anger is not necessary,” The Chiss finally deactivated the datapad before him. “You don’t really have much to hide.”

She was lucky that she didn’t have many friends, then. Or people to talk to in general. Otherwise, he could have stumbled upon something embarrassing- or probably incriminating.

“Where’s Jag?” Jaina folded her arms over her chest. She was growing tired of him.

“Right here,” a voice said from behind her. She turned quickly towards the sound, a smile spreading across her face when she saw him.

He quickened his stride to stand in between his assistant and her. He nodded to the Chiss before facing Jaina completely. “Well, this is a surprise.”

Jaina looked up into his eyes, delighted that they held a twinkle of amusement for her abrupt arrival. Jagged Fel clearly still had affection for her, so even if he did dump her a few months before she was happy to be around him.

“Oh, you know me. I get bored sitting around doing nothing,” Jaina tried to say casually.

Jag nodded. “Understandable. Although it would be better if you called first.”

“Why? Because Kthr’a…something has to work overtime?” Jaina glanced at the Chiss who didn’t even flinch at her flubbing of his name.

“Kthr’ashik’tarloo,” Jag corrected her in perfect Chiss. “But Ashik works fine.”

Jaina glanced at the Chiss- Ashik- who nodded in agreement. “I see.”

Jag gestured for her to follow him, leaving Ashik behind. “So, what are you doing here?”

She shrugged, hoping she didn’t give anything away. “No reason. I just thought a new environment would be friendly.”

“Ah. So, your parents know you’re here then?”

“Yep,” Jaina lied.

He didn’t seem to notice her fib. “Alright. Why here, though?”

Jaina felt a little hurt. “You said I could come anytime. I’m sorry if I overstepped-”

“No,” Jag stopped her. “That’s not what I meant. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you wish. I just wanted to know what about this environment would suit you.”

_You_, Jaina thought to herself. “Well, I’ve lived in probably a million different places, but never the Empire. I guess I need to see what’s the big deal.”

Jag laughed lightly. “Ah, well, I guess there are a few things to do on Bastion. But the other planets may be better for your purposes.”

She smiled up at him. “I think right here is just fine.”

They stopped in front of the grand doors that led to what Jaina assumed were to be her quarters. Jag dismissed the guards at the front before leading her in. Jaina was surprised with the decadence of it all, but it was very, well, Imperial.

“My quarters are pretty expansive,” Jag said as they entered into the living room. “You can stay in one of the bedrooms here.”

She couldn’t keep the grin off her face. “Here I thought you were being a gentleman by giving me my own quarters, but instead you want me to stay in yours. Very smooth.”

Jag flushed. “I do not have any other intentions! I just thought you’d prefer to- since you don’t really know anyone else and-”

Jaina’s laughter interrupted his rambling. “I’m joking. I don’t want to wake up everyday to an empty apartment.”

“You probably will,” Jag said as he tried to regain his composure. “I don’t exactly sleep in.”

“Okay,” Jaina nodded. “I’ll start waking up early then.”

He stared at for a moment, unsure if he should say what was on his mind. Finally, he simply sighed. “Okay, well…welcome.”

She didn’t know why she thought their reunion would grander than this. On her way here, she’d dreamt of him picking her up and spinning her around, happy to see her. Instead, he was his usual polite although uncharacteristically nervous self and he seemed to be drawing a line between them.

Jaina wanted to close the distance between them, even if just for a simple hug. But he’d dumped her- she’d have to wait for him to come to her.

The sound of him clearing his throat brought her out of her thoughts. “I have some business to take care of. I’m sorry I can’t stay for long.”

“Of course!” Jaina moved around the room, sizing it up as she tried to hide her disappointment. “I expected you would. I’ll just, you know, look for some of the stuff to do around here.”

Jag looked at her carefully before nodding slowly. “I’ll ask around for you, as well. I should be back by maybe…2100? If you’re still up, we can have dinner.”

She perked up at that. “Yes. I’d love that.”

-

She didn’t expect to be _this_ bored, but Jaina really didn’t think this through at all.

While she was glad to escape the guilt that came with time with her family, she was instead left with the very lonely and insanely well-kept quarters that Jag called his own. It was almost mind-numbing the boredom that took her over after she’d finished inspecting every nook and cranny. Imperial holo _sucked,_ their holonet _sucked,_ and there was literally nothing worthwhile doing when she’d researched sightseeing on Bastion.

Jaina didn’t know how Jag managed to live in this lifeless fortress, but she reminded herself that he was used to the restrictions of Imperial society. He’d probably had it worse in Chiss Space.

Still, Jaina wasn’t a fan of so much quiet. Ashik had annoyingly kept her lightsabre and she hadn’t yet come up with a good enough explanation as to why he should trust her with it without having to move out of Jag’s quarters and into her own.

Jag would have dinner with her almost every night. He’d diligently return to their now shared quarters at 2100 with something already prepared by the professional chefs. They’d share the delicious meal over inconsequential idle chatter, and nothing that Jaina had hoped for seemed close to coming true.

What did she hope for? Rationally, she knew he wouldn’t just fall in love with her because she randomly started taking up his personal space. But Jaina knew absolutely nothing when it came to seduction. Her elderly mother was far better at attracting male attention than she was. She didn’t know the first thing.

The only reprieve was that she hadn’t had a seizure since coming here, and she actually hadn’t thought that much about her brother either. Even though she was bored, her commitment to running away had kept her from feeling like she was Jaina Solo, fratricidal sort-of-hero of the Alliance and Sword of the Jedi.

She was just Jaina, hopelessly in love with an emotionally stunted soldier turned head of state who kind of feared falling in love with her.

Force help her.

“What are you doing in here?”

Jaina jumped up from where she was sprawled across the bed- Jag’s bed- that she’d often find herself lying in when he was out. Okay, it sounded creepy, but it was all a part of familiarising herself with the whole apartment. Still, she was only dressed in her T-shirt and socks from the night before. Rolling over, Jaina found herself on her feet, hands folded in front of her as she sheepishly regarded him.

Jag only blinked at her as he remained still at the doorway. Then his eyes roamed down, and he noticed her attire-

“You’re back so early,” Jaina started, waving her hands to distract him from looking any further. “The moffs must be letting you off easy.”

He nodded slowly, decisively keeping his eyes on her face. “Uh, yeah.”

Jaina shimmied past him. “I’ll go order dinner. Do you want Corellian again? I feel like we have that every night.”

She didn’t wait for his response before she was sprinting out of his sight and into her own room. As the door closed behind her, she pressed her back against it as she took a deep breath.

_You love-sick idiot,_ Jaina berated herself. If he didn’t think she was crazy before, he definitely did now. She resisted the urge to bang her head against the door until she felt sufficiently punished.

She’d have to get dressed quickly and then properly face him.

When she did, Jaina crept out of her room with caution. She looked around the hall quickly before stealthily slipping into the living room and moving towards the cozy den that she often used for naps.

Jaina paused when her Force sense warned her too late that he was already there. Jaina cursed herself for her slow reflexes as he was already craning his neck to see her come in from where he sat on the couch.

“I have to admit I’m a little confused,” Jag said.

Sighing, Jaina moved over to the couch to sit on the arm. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jag smiled softly. “I just- I’m not sure what’s going on.”

“It was rude of me, I know. To be in your bed like that-”

Jag interrupted her. “That’s not what I mean. I admit that was… weird, but it isn’t really a problem.”

“Okay,” Jaina nodded. “What’s on your mind, then?”

“Are you sure you’re okay being here?” Jag asked carefully.

“Why wouldn’t I be? All I do is lounge around, as you saw earlier.”

He shared a knowing smile with her as his mind went back there. “You said you were doing therapy back home and visiting doctors weekly. It’s a little strange for you not to be doing that here too.”

“I don’t need to anymore. I got cleared before I left.” Jaina hated how easily the lie came off, but if she was going to continue to live without the kirffing seizures she’d need to avoid everything she’d been doing back home.

“Really. It’s been only five months since, and I know you’re strong and everything, but I just thought this would be different.”

Jaina frowned. “Why would it be?”

“Because,” Jag let out a long breath. “Jaina, this is your twin brother we’re talking about here. You don’t just get over that in five months.”

Her shoulders sagged. “Not you too.”

“I’m serious, Jaina. I’m starting to think you only came here to escape having to deal with it.”

_Bingo_. “Like I tell my parents every day, you can’t force me to cry about it. I just don’t feel that way.”

“How can you not?” Jag’s tone was almost pleading. “You were a mess when Anakin died, not to mention Mara-”

She scowled at him. “See? I have so many dead relatives that I can just add Jacen to the list.”

It was a stab to heart just to think the words, much less to say them. But if she was going to believe it was time she started saying it with conviction. Jag didn’t seem to agree as he only looked at her with sad eyes. She hated his pity.

“I know you better than you think, Jaina. You can’t convince me that you don’t feel anything.”

“But it’s the truth,” Jaina tried to convince him. “I haven’t cried, not once, since that first day. I just don’t feel what everyone says I’m supposed to feel.”

He stared at her intensely. “And there’s nothing else then? No temptation from the darkside? Anger? Anything?”

Jaina shrugged. “Absolutely nothing. I’m just trying to move on.”

“I- seriously?”

Slipping off the arm and onto the plush cushion beside him, Jaina sighed as she tucked herself into his arm, smiling when he didn’t stiffen up. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a comforting gesture. Maybe his pity was getting her somewhere after all.

“Seriously. Do you want me to cry?”

She felt him shake his head. “I guess not.”

“Good. Do you want to watch a holo?”

Jag hesitated, as if he had more to say before deciding against it. “Sure.

-

Jaina finally came up with the perfect plan. It had taken her longer than she had originally thought, but great things took time. If she wanted Jag to see her as more than a friend, she’d have to go the extra mile.

So she ignored the fatigue heavy in her eyes as she forced herself to wake up at the ungodly hour that would allow her to be up before him. Trudging the walk to the kitchen, Jaina manually peeled her eyes open to keep from falling back into sleep. As she opened the refrigerator, she had to blink away the burning sensation when the cool air hit her face. How Jag did this every morning, Jaina did not understand. After all the effort she was going through, he had better eat every scrap…

_No threats_, Jaina reminded herself. She was going to be sweet.

An hour later, Jaina was grinning widely, pleased with her work as she gave the beautifully set island counter a look over. Everything was perfect, and she’d managed not to burn the food- a remarkable feat considering she rarely ever cooked, and she was attempting something from a culture foreign to her.

Right on time, Jag came strolling out of his bedroom, his heels clicking on the smooth floors to signal his entrance into the kitchen area. He paused immediately as he saw her, apron covering the flowy day dress she’d forced herself into earlier as she maintained her smiling face.

Jag’s eyes glanced down at the food for a second before they were back on her. His brows furrowed in confusion- not the reaction Jaina was expecting.

“What’s all this?” He asked slowly.

“Oh, this?” Jaina gestured to the setting, “I thought we could have breakfast for once.”

Jag raised his wrist to glance at his chrono. “It’s 0530 hours.”

“Yeah, so?”

“You’re never awake this early.”

A scowl crept onto her face despite her earlier resolve to appear sweet. “I can wake up early, Fel. You know that.”

Jag seemed to sigh in relief. “It really is you. I was beginning to think you were kidnapped and replaced by a hyper-realistic android with a smiling disorder.”

Leave it to Jag to come up with the weirdest descriptions. “Ha, ha. Yes, it’s me. Now sit.”

Almost obediently, Jag eased on to the stool. Jaina had hoped he’d have been in his sleepwear still, it would have made for better breakfast attire, but his formal dress uniform made it more like a date so she wasn’t complaining.

Jaina slipped on to the stool beside him as she pushed the plate she’d shared directly in front of him. “Try it.”

“What is it?” Jag eyed the plate.

“Don’t you recognise it?” Jaina had gone through the trouble of researching Chiss foods just for this moment. Surely, Jag would have missed what was apparently the most enticing meal in all of the Chiss Space.

Jag looked back at her with a shrug, “Not at all.”

Jaina’s shoulders sagged in disappointment. “Seriously? It’s bri’asch.”

“…What?”

Maybe she fumbled the pronunciation. She was terrible at Chiss. “_Bur-riash_?”

Jag’s lips curved into a small smile as he tried to contain his growing laughter. At least he wasn’t mad. Jaina counted that as a win.

“Did someone put you up to this?” Jag asked, his eyes full of amusement.

“No. I just did my research on foods you’d probably like.”

Jag finally chuckled. “Well, I don’t really like Chiss food that much. And my mother always preferred to make Corellian at home.”

Jaina cursed herself. She knew Jag liked Corellian, of course, but they almost always ate that and she wanted to try something different. “Does that mean you have no idea what this is I’ve put in front of you?’

His head cocked to the side as he inspected the meal. “Well, based on what I think you were trying to say and what it looks like, I guess it’s bri’asch.”

“That’s what I said first!” Jaina hated the way it rolled off his tongue so smoothly.

Jag clicked his tongue at her, “It definitely is not.”

“Whatever,” Jaina picked up his cutlery for him. “Just eat.”

To his credit, he kept his reluctance off his face. Through the Force, however, Jaina knew he was recalling every moment in the past he’d been made to eat something she cooked. But Jaina knew this time would be better, she had followed every instruction to a tee.

Jag lifted the first bite into his mouth, chewing slowly before he erupted into a coughing fit. “What the- Jaina, what the hell is this?”

Jaina frowned at him. “You don’t have to be so dramatic.”

Jag made a face as he forced himself to swallow the small bite. “If Ashik were here, he’d think you’re trying to kill me.”

“Oh, it is not that bad,” Jaina said as she grabbed the fork from his hand and took a bite for herself- and yeah, it really was that bad.

Jaina spat it out into her hand. “Okay, fine, fine, it was a failure.”

The disappointment of failing her mission hung over her. It helped the guilt she’d been ignoring to gnaw even harder at her insides and make her feel as horrible physically as she secretly did mentally-

Suddenly, Jag started laughing beside her, a big belly laugh that had him holding onto his stomach. Jaina stared at him in awe, forgetting about the panic that was almost about to set in.

“This is the best laugh I’ve had in months,” Jag said in between laughs, wiping at his eyes.

Seeing him laugh, feeling his genuine mirth, made Jaina feel more rewarded than if she had managed to perfect the meal. She joined in on his laughter, allowing herself to appreciate the humour in her errors.

“I think I’m quitting cooking for the rest of my life.”

Jag gave her a fake sympathetic look. “I think that’s for the best.”

“Hey,” Jaina playfully warned him before glancing back at the two plates of almost inedible food. “I wonder what went wrong.”

His eyes scanned over the table, before he was turning his head to look at the ingredients that she’d left on the counter. “Ah. I don’t think using certain powders with Chiss delicacies works at all. Worse, I don’t think you cooked through the meat properly…”

“Okay, okay Master Chef, I get it.”

“Why’d you do all of this, anyway,” Jag asked with a curious expression, “I appreciate the humour, don’t get me wrong, but is there some special occasion?”

Jaina nodded before she could stop herself. “Uh, yeah. I wanted to ask you something.”

Jag looked at her expectantly. “Hmm?”

Making him laugh was one thing, but Jaina didn’t think that it was romantic enough for a love confession- and Jaina wasn’t so convinced of that anyway.

Thinking on her feet, Jaina quickly said. “I found something for us to do here.”

“Really? Don’t say mountain hiking,” Jag groaned, “I really do not like hiking.”

“No hiking,” Jaina assured him. “In fact, this is much more relaxing.”

“What is it?” Jag looked eager for some relaxation.

“A…spa!” Jaina thanked her brain for its unfailing memory, even if it had tormented her with seizures for the last few months,“It’s tucked away in the mountains, but no hiking to get there. I saw it in one of the brochures Ashik gave me.”

Jag looked sceptical. “A spa?”

“Yes,” Jaina put some more confidence in her voice. “I already made the booking so no excuses, okay? Later tonight, you and I are getting massages.”

“I doubt my schedule will allow for that.”

“No excuses,” Jaina repeated. “Promise me.”

Jag sighed. “Okay, I’ll go with you.”

Jaina smiled, more in relief than in joy. “Great. Don’t you have an office to get to?”

Jag glanced at his chrono again. “Right, yes. I wish I could have had some actual breakfast, but the laugh will probably hold me until lunch.”

“Oh, please,” Jaina rolled her eyes. “Please eat before then.”

Sliding off the stool, Jag put his hand on her arm to give her a small squeeze. “Will do. See you later, then?”

Jaina nodded. “Great.”

She held her composure until he was out of the apartment, and the minute he was out, she was scrambling to find the brochure she’d tossed to the side about a week before. After finding it in the den, Jaina spent about an hour arguing with the staff on the phone to get a booking for tonight. Apparently it was an upscale establishment that most people had to make reservations from weeks in advance.

Jaina cursed herself when she ended up having to call Jag’s assistant for help. He didn’t exactly care when she asked him to keep it a secret from her superior, but he also didn’t have an issue with allowing her to use the Head of State’s office to get the reservation. Of course the spa had agreed to accommodate them once she’d used his name, something Jaina utterly hated about these kind of places, but she was nevertheless grateful that she’d managed to maintain her lie.

That was something she consciously needed to work on. She’d been lying to a lot of people recently, Jag included, and it was starting to become a habit. It was easier to live a lie, to focus on a crafted image that didn’t involve her actual life. Jaina Solo was a mess that she didn’t know what to do about. Right now, hiding away from her family and obligations, she only had one task to focus on- and Jaina wasn’t really sure what that was exactly.

It was almost childish how much she was chasing after Jag. She’d never in her life have to chase after a guy. In fact, Jag was chasing after her only a few months ago! Maybe her persistence was a result of his sudden disinterest in her. Zekk had also rejected her before he went missing- a thought that Jaina scolded herself for having since she wasn’t supposed to think about those miserable things- so she probably couldn’t process Jag’s rejection on top of that.

But what else was she supposed to do? If she didn’t do this, she’d have to focus on reality. She’d have to go back to the nightmares, panic attacks, and seizures. The pain that came with them was one Jaina just didn’t want to bear anymore. She didn’t want to remember that she was her twin brother’s murderer-

Shaking her head, Jaina picked herself up from where she was sitting. She just needed a run, that’s all. Her mind went to dark places when she didn’t keep herself busy.

-

“You’ve never been to a spa?” Jaina’s jaw fell.

Jag shrugged. “I guess I never thought about it before.”

“You must have the tensest muscles in the world,” Jaina shook her head, still in disbelief. “You’ve been in the Known Regions for years now, there’s no possible excuse.”

Jag slung his bag over his shoulder as he walked with her into the grand entrance of the spa. “You’re right that they’re not common where I grew up, but I’m not really eager about having a stranger put their hands on me.”

Jaina rolled her eyes. “You’re so picky.”

“So, how is this going to work anyway? Aren’t spas separated into male and female sections?”

Jaina’s eyes twinkled, “Well…”

Her response was cut off by the greetings of the host, a well-dressed gentleman who exuded the calm mantras that the brochure had spouted. “Welcome, Head of State Fel. May I just say I’m absolutely honoured that you’ve chosen our establishment to come and unwind.”

Jag gave him a small smile as he shook his hand firmly, although Jaina knew he was already uncomfortable. He was getting good at this politician thing. “Thank you for having us.”

The host glanced at Jaina for a second. “Your girlfriend is quite stunning, sir.”

Jag’s smile faltered. “Uh-”

“No worries,” the host waved his hand in dismissal. “Every member of staff is obligated to sign non-disclosure agreements concerning all our guests. I must say though, she was quite persuasive over the phone this morning about getting an appointment for tonight.”

Jag glanced down at Jaina for a second before clearing his throat. “Ah, right. My schedule is quite busy, after all.”

Jaina glared daggers into the host’s back as he turned to lead them further into the private room she’d booked. He’d pretty much given everything away!

“My girlfriend, huh?” Jag whispered in her ear as they walked side by side.

Jaina tried to pull of a nonchalant shrug. “The only way to share like this was the couple’s package.”

She hoped his lack of knowledge of spas would keep him from pointing out that there would be group packages for friends and family too. He might have suspected it too, but Jag accepted her answer. “I see.”

Jaina hoped it wouldn’t turn into too much of a disaster, but the worry left her as they arrived. The “room” wasn’t a room at all but instead was a cavern that had been renovated and turned into a private spa palace for just the two of them. There was a light stream to the side that brought fresh water from the mountain peak that provided the perfect sounds of nature to fill the air. There was a pool, jacuzzi, natural hot spring, and finally the massage beds already prepared in the center.

She was happy that Jag was as mesmerised as she was. As he inspected the cavern, a soft _beautiful_, escaped his lips. As she stared at his perfectly shaped jaw framing his face, Jaina couldn’t agree more.

The host bowed before them. “Take as much time as you need to get changed. Just press this button when you’re ready for your massages.”

Jag accepted the device from the man, watching him go before finally saying to Jaina, “This is amazing, Jaina. Thank you.”

She smiled at him. “Well, don’t thank me. Technically your office is paying for it.”

“I got the hint,” Jag rolled his eyes playfully. “Still, I really appreciate it.”

“Good. That’s why I went through the trouble of fighting first the staff and then Ashik to get us here.”

Jag shook his head. “Poor Ashik. I don’t think he would have taken the job if he knew you were a part of the deal.”

Jaina took a seat on one of the large decorative stones. “Why did he take the job? I’ve been meaning to ask for a while.”

Jag followed her, half leaning against the stone while also remaining standing. “I’ve known him for a long while. We were friends back in the day.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t he know about- well, about your exile?” Jaina asked carefully.

“The Chiss are a homogenous society, yes, but they’re not a monolith. Not everyone adheres to the Ruling Families hold over the system.”

Jaina nodded. “Cool. So, he’s like a rebel.”

Jag laughed. “I wouldn’t describe him as that, but maybe by Chiss standards.”

“Ashik’s a little rebel,” Jaina grinned wickedly, “Thank you for telling me.”

“Don’t be a menace,” Jag scolded her. “I told you this in confidence.”

“Right, right. I don’t want to get on a rebel’s bad side, anyway.”

Jag shook his head at her. “What are we supposed to change into?”

“Hmm?”

“The host said we should change. Does he mean into our swimwear?”

Jaina glanced at the bag that he’d carried with him. “Oh, right. This is a nude spa.”

Jag’s face paled. “What?”

“It’s a nude spa,” Jaina repeated as she started unbuttoning her shirt. “If you prefer you can do the massage in a robe.”

Jaina was pleased when his eyes seemed fixed on her fingers as they deftly worked the buttons out of their hold and decided to put on a show. If she’d known all she had to do get his attention was take off her clothes, she’d have done it weeks ago.

“You’re messing with me right,” Jag said, his voice coming out weak.

Jaina shrugged off the shirt, revealing the lacy bra- thank goodness she’d packed the scratchy uncomfortable little thing- that she was wearing underneath. “Are you looking at me change?”

“No,” Jag said, his eyes fixed on her before he was squeezing them shut and turning around. “Jaina, I don’t think-”

“Ugh,” Jaina made a face that he couldn’t see. “I’m so sick of thinking all the time. I came to the spa to relax. You should do the same.”

She felt his internal conflict as clear as day. That was something she could work with, not calculated disinterest and avoidance. She was even more pleased when he sighed.

“Fine. Let’s relax.”

-

Jaina had enjoyed the view when Jag had stripped to nothing before quickly putting on the robe and going to lie on the massage bed. She was a little disappointed that he didn’t once steal a glance at her like she did with him, but she knew he was too well-mannered for that. Putting on her own robe Jaina moved to sit on the bed beside his.

“You should lie on your stomach first,” Jaina said simply. Jag’s eyes were still squeezed shut, as if he was shielding himself from his worst nightmare. Perhaps he was.

Jag hummed softly. “It’s gonna be massage droids, right?”

Jaina laughed. “These places pride themselves on using human hands, even if the droids can do a better job.”

Jag groaned, the sound sending a shiver down her spine. “I have to admit I’m having trouble relaxing.”

“Hey, it’s easy.” Jaina moved to lie on her stomach. “Just close your eyes and let them do all the work.”

Jag clearly didn’t agree, but he’d mimicked her position before pressing the button to summon the masseuses. Jaina had smiled politely at hers before closing her eyes and allowing her to get to work. Beside her, she felt Jag’s uneasiness as the masseuse coached him about the whole procedure- she had to laugh to herself that Jag actually requested a run down of the whole thing.

Then the cavern was quiet, save for the sound of running water in the background as the masseuse worked into her tense muscles. She wasn’t sure if her injuries had healed enough for this, but Jaina ignored it since it had been months since- _Don’t think about_, Jaina reminded herself.

“Ah,” she moaned softly as the masseuse worked into a particularly tense area. She had built up so much stress in her body since the last time she’d gotten a massage years ago. A lot had happened since then, and she’d had more than a fair share of emotional and physical stressors to wear down her body.

Beside her, Jag was completely silent but she felt him brightly through the Force as she always did. He was mixture of relief and discomfort, something Jaina could only expect while getting what she thought was the best massage in the galaxy.

Before she knew it, it was over. An hour passed like it was nothing when skilled hands worked their magic. Jaina yawned as she sat up on the bed, thanking the masseuse before she turned her attention to Jag. He was sitting on the bed, legs hanging over as he waited for her to finish hers.

“Where’d your girl go?” Jaina asked when they were left alone.

Jag looked away sheepishly, “I ended mine a little earlier. It was a little too much.”

“Oh,” Jaina figured his discomfort had won out in the end. “Well, I almost fell asleep during mine.”

Jag swallowed heavily. “I noticed.”

Jaina sensed something weird in his presence, but she knew better than to pry. “Are you ready for the next part?”

“Next part?” Jag looked worried.

“Your choice, jacuzzi or hot spring?” Jaina grinned excitedly. “Nothing better than hot water after a massage.”

He blinked, “Uh, hot spring?”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” Jaina hopped off the bed, sauntering over to the rocky pool of steaming water as she untied her robe. It slipped off her shoulders as she got in the water, sighing deeply as she sat on the seating within, leaning her head against the soft stone.

She noticed Jag didn’t move. “Aren’t you coming?”

That seemed to kick-start his brain as he started her way. He stopped in front of the spring, his hands frozen on his robe. “Uh. Can you close your eyes?”

Jaina raised a brow in amusement but followed his request. She listened to the sound of him disrobing and then gently settling into the water across from her. Opening her eyes slowly, she smiled at him.

“See? Isn’t this nice?”

Jag’s eyes seemed fixed on the water, his hands absently playing with the water. “I guess.”

Jaina didn’t know what else to say. If he was going to be awkward, so be it. She was finally destressing after months of a debilitating recovery from _things she didn’t think about anymore_ and she wasn’t going to let his preconceived notions of propriety get in the way.

“You’re confusing me again,” Jag said softly.

“Huh?”

Jag sighed, and when Jaina opened her eyes she noticed he still wasn’t looking at her. “All of this. I feel like you’re sending me mixed signals.”

_What was it with men?_ Jaina had to wonder. There wasn’t anything mixed about the signal she’d been giving him in the two weeks she’d been here.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

Jag’s gaze finally raised, his eyes raking over her. “I feel like you’re trying to seduce me.”

_Finally._ “Why do you think that?” Jaina feigned innocence. Boys liked when you played hard to get.

“Well, you booked us a couple’s day at the spa.”

Jaina nodded, wading her way through the water until she was directly in front of him. Jag swallowed hard, closing his eyes in fear he saw something he shouldn’t.

Jaina frowned. She was still stooping the water so he couldn’t see her naked body, but she’d made sure she was out of the water enough for the top of her breasts to show perfectly under the water- _Maybe you’re laying it on too thick_.

Jag cleared his throat. “Now, we’re naked in a hot spring.”

“You’re supposed to be naked in a hot spring.”

“But are _we_ supposed to be naked in the same hot spring?”

Jaina chuckled. “What’s the problem? You said we’re friends, right? We’re just doing the things that people do at a spa.”

Jag inched over to his right so that he could open his eyes without a direct view of her cleavage. “These are things that other people do at a spa, maybe, but not us. We’re not like regular friends.”

“Do tell me more,” Jaina folded her arms across her chest. He wasn’t going to have it both ways; either they were just friends or not.

He let out an exasperated sigh, “Jaina, you can’t just appear naked in front of me. It’s- it’s just…it’s inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate? I’m not your employee,” Jaina wanted to see how far she could push him.

“Not like that, but we used to date-”

“But now we’re just friends-”

“You’re driving me crazy!” Jag said a little too quickly. Jaina bit her lip to prevent a smile from spreading across her face. He’d probably take it the wrong way. Good.

She put on a fake face of innocence. “I am?”

Jag nodded. “Yes, you are. I can’t take any more. If you keep pushing me I’ll-”

He didn’t finish his sentence but it was good enough for Jaina. She’d heard all she needed to. “Am I just supposed to pretend that nothing happened on Endor, then?”

Jag looked away, “Why should we remember that? We were both vulnerable and lonely and things happened. It was nothing”

Jaina snorted. “I don’t think what you did to me that night would be considered nothing.”

He scowled at her. “Jaina, please.”

“What?” She said with a little force. “We’re not kids anymore, Jagged. We don’t have to beat around the bush.”

“You haven’t been listening to anything I’ve said,” Jag complained, “Are you deliberately trying to stress me out?”

_Yes_. “No, the only thing I’ve done is take you to the spa to relaxe. Instead you’re making a big fuss out of it because we’re in a hot spring together. Obviously, you still have other things on your mind, but you can’t blame me for that.”

Jag held his forehead in his hands before he was rising and stepping out of the spring. Normally Jaina would have been impressed by the view, but he was stalking away without giving her a reply. That wasn’t a part of the plan at all, but before she could stop him, he was picking up his bag and heading for the restroom.

Jaina blinked a few times. She had gone too far, obviously, and she was starting to regret it. Jag’s resolve was stronger than she thought. She was starting to feel guilty for trying so hard. Guilt, a feeling that she was trying to avoid by doing all this.

She closed her eyes as she tried not to let the negative emotions take over. Pulling herself together and out of water, Jaina moved to change herself.

The speeder ride back to the palace was quiet. Jaina didn’t know what to say to him as they sat on opposite sides of the backseat of the car. Jag didn’t look upset, but his expression was almost unreadable. His walls were up too, so Jaina couldn’t sense much from him.

“I’m sorry,” Jaina tried. She really didn’t want to make things harder for him.

Jag turned to look at her, surprise in his eyes. “Why are you sorry?”

“For trying to seduce you,” Jaina said slowly. She could think of a million ways to turn this into something sexier, but then that would defeat the purpose of her apology…

Jag waved a hand. “Never mind that.”

“Then why are you so silent?”

“Actually, I was thinking of things you and I could do.”

“…Oh?” Jaina was interested.

Jag scoffed at her. “More friendly things, I mean.”

Jaina tried not to sound too disappointed. “Right, of course.”

“We should run some sims,” Jag grinned at that. He was still a pilot at heart.

Jaina loved flying, but she loved other things too. Like sharing a hot spring with attractive men. “Sure, I guess. When?”

“How about now?” Jag suggested excitedly.

She blinked. “Isn’t it late?”

He didn’t seem to care. “You stay up late, anyway.”

She couldn’t think of a reason to say no. “Yeah, sure. Let’s sim.”

-

She couldn’t believe that after all these years he still managed to kick her ass in the simulators. Jagged Fel was an exceptional pilot, whether in simulated or real flight, Jaina had to put in effort to keep up with him. That was the combination of hard work and raw talent both put to good use, and with both Antilles and Fel blood running in his veins, Jag had perhaps far too much raw talent.

Still, she didn’t make it easy for him. He had to work for the win if he truly wanted it.

The simulators that Jag had stashed away in a secret chamber in his apartment were convenient for their purposes, but the technology was astounding. Like most, space was adequately simulated, but this programme was clearly high end. Jaina felt as if she sat in her X-Wing once more, and she felt the familiar thrill that accompanied flying into a combat mission.

On her flank, Jag had set the computer to generate enemy ships to target them in addition to their quest to obliterate the other. Jaina evaded their fire easily, but she noticed that a ship on her right, an X-Wing, had taken the brunt of the firs on her behalf.

Jaina froze in her seat, unable to move her hand on the joystick. She watched in horror as the X-Wing’s engines set ablaze, the pilot would have had only a few seconds to eject until-

“No!” Jaina screamed as the ship exploded, leaving poor Zekk to burn to his death after taking a hit for her. Why did people always die around her? Why did Zekk have to die trying to aid her mission to kill her own brother. What kind of murderous witch was she?

She felt her muscles kick in again, but it wasn’t the way she wanted it to. Jaina threw the helmet off her face, using a burst from the Force to climb up and out of the X-Wing- how was she moving so well in space?- and falling on to something hard. But she was outside of her ship in the emptiness of space, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move. Except her body twitched uncontrollably, her legs jerking against her will.

Her lungs felt empty and her head so much she could barely think. She was going to die here, just like Zekk just did, and Jacen and Mara and Anakin-

“Jaina!” A voice was saying very loudly. What was happening to her? Why wouldn’t she just die?

“Call a medic,” she heard the voice say again. It sounded scared. Was it scared for her?

She didn’t get to find out; without her ability to breathe in the depths of the vacuum of space, Jaina was unconscious in seconds.

-

Jaina sat up in a rush, breathing in deeply as if her lungs hadn’t had oxygen in years. She looked around, finding herself in the medward she’d been in for the past few weeks since killing her brother. Had she been dreaming this whole time? A knot formed in her stomach at the thought.

But when she looked around, she noticed the medward was different. In fact, it looked more like a bedroom with medical equipment than anything else. Suddenly, her memory began to return. She had been staying with Jag in the Empire, they’d gone on a date that she secretly set up, he asked her to sim with him and then Zekk had died-

No, Jaina shook her head. Zekk didn’t die, he was still alive. She knew that in her heart. It was her mind trying to convince her otherwise. That means she’d panicked in the simulator when she saw the computer-generated ship catch fire. Then she probably had a seizure.

She wanted to beat her head against the wall for allowing it to happen, and now Jag would know something was wrong with her. He’d know that she was both damaged and a murderer then he’d truly want nothing to do with her-

“I’ve never been that scared in my life,” Jag was saying. She didn’t even notice he was sitting in the corner. He stood, moving over to the bed. “I’ve never felt fear like that.”

Jaina swallowed the lump in her throat as she allowed herself to take in his sad eyes. She put that look there. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all my fault,” Jag said, taking her hand as he kneeled beside the bed. “I should have never taken you in there. If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have-”

“It’s not your fault,” Jaina said quickly. “I should have known that it would trigger an attack.”

Jag didn’t look angry but his grip on her hand tightened. “This is something that’s happened before?”

Jaina nodded slowly. “Yes. I’ve been having them for months now.”

His face fell. “Jaina, why didn’t you tell me?”

She shrugged weakly. “I don’t know.”

“How can you not know?”

“I just,” Jaina struggled to say the words, “I didn’t want you to think I was broken.”

“This is your health, Jaina. That comes before everything else,” Jag said firmly.

“You already don’t want me,” Jaina confessed, her voice breaking along with her heart. “How could I tell you that my brain doesn’t even work anymore?”

Jag looked stunned. “I- I never said I didn’t want you.”

Jaina snorted, on the verge of hysterical laughter since they reached this point. “I ruined you. You don’t want to be in love with anyone, remember? Much less me, the woman who ruined you. I know it’s not about attraction, Jag. But you made the rational decision that I was more trouble than good, and I wanted to change your mind.”

“Jaina-”

“Don’t say it’s not true.”

“So, because of that you were willing to die from a seizure instead of telling me,” Jag’s eyes hardened.

_Yes!_ Jaina wanted to scream. She would much rather have died than have to admit that she was completely damaged forever, that she was broken physically and mentally, that she was a good-for-nothing _murderer-_

“I can’t believe you,” Jag continued. “You lied to me this whole time.”

She shrugged. “I’ve been lying to a lot of people.”

Jag’s hand rubbed at his temples. “I called your parents, you know? I had to tell them that you were unconscious, and I didn’t have any explanation when the medic asked if you had epilepsy. Jaina, they haven’t heard from you this whole time.”

“I know. I didn’t want them to know where I was.”

“_Why_?” Jag asked, struggling to understand. “They’ve been killing themselves with worry for almost two weeks. Why didn’t you tell them where you were going?”

“Because,” Jaina started, “They wouldn’t have let me go.”

“But why lie to _me_ about it?”

“Are you really not getting it?” Jaina asked, eyes pleading with him. “My parents know full well I’m done for. My uncle knows it, that’s why he hasn’t asked me to perform any Jedi duties. Even Amelia knows not to mess around too much with her highly unstable adopted sister. You were the only person left, Jag. I had literally nobody in the world left.”

For the first time in months, Jaina’s eyes watered and the tears managed to fall. While she felt horrible, her head didn’t explode into the headache that signalled she was about to seize up. She was finally crying.

Jag leaned back, unsure of what to say while she cried. “I’m sorry. Jaina, I’m sorry.”

While sobbing, Jaina grabbed his hand once more. “Can you just shut up and hold me?”

She saw him nod through her blurry vision, and he was moving to wrap her into his arms in seconds. Jaina allowed herself to sob into his chest, huffing and getting all of the ugliness she’d tried to hide away. He held her for what felt like hours, until her tear glands simply couldn’t produce anymore liquid, until her voice was rough and hoarse.

When her sobs quietened to nothing, Jag spoke again. “I love you.”

If it had been any time in the last two weeks she would have been elated. But now it was too late, he had already known. Jag continued, “I’m sorry for pushing you away. I thought it would be better for you, with what happened with Jacen, and because Zekk was missing too. I thought that you needed space, that you needed a friend.”

Jaina nodded into his chest. She’d been forced to accept a lot about herself, but she’d felt a strange sense of relief. “I do need a friend. You are my friend.”

“But I should have told you before that I love you,” Jag confessed. “I love you in every way possible, and I’m sorry for not realising something was wrong until it got this bad.”

Jaina lifted her head. “Jag, it’s really not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either,” Jag’s hand moved to her cheek, cupping her face as he kissed her forehead, “But now that I know we can work on it.”

“I haven’t been able to figure it out since they started,” Jaina muttered.

Jag nodded. “So your mother tells me, but she also says she believes it’s psychological not physical.”

Jaina shrugged. “A part of me wishes it was epilepsy, just so that I know it’s not because I’m crazy. It would be easier if I could just blame it on a concussion or something. I don’t want it to be that I’m literally making things up in my head and giving myself seizures as a result.”

“Whatever it is, Jaina, it can be helped. What you went through wasn’t normal at all. No one blames you because you’re going through some pretty abnormal things.”

She looked away from him. “I hate all of this.”

Jag chuckled. “I don’t really like it either. But it is what it is, right?”

Jaina finally remembered that she had a reason to be mad at him. “Why tell me you love me now? We could have had a great two weeks before now if you had told me before.”

Jag shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess we _both_ like making things difficult for the other.”

Resting her head back on his chest, Jaina closed her eyes. “I’m sorry again for lying.”

“It’s okay,” Jag stroked her hair. “Not the lying part…you shouldn’t lie to me. But you’re under a lot of stress so I’ll forgive it.”

“Will you always forgive me if I cry afterwards?” Jaina asked curiously.

“Don’t push it,” Jag chided her. “Now, rest. We can talk about it more tomorrow.”

She nodded slowly. “Okay. Tomorrow.”

-

“Don’t you have more important things to do?” Jaina folded her arms across her chest as she sat upright against the bed frame. Jag had opted to stand in front of the bed, his posture as rigid as ever as he waited for her to explain something she didn’t even understand herself.

“Perhaps, but we said we’d discuss this today,” Jag said simply.

Jaina frowned at him. “Your position as Head of State isn’t secure yet. You don’t have the time for this.”

Jag raised a brow. “But I had the time for the spa yesterday?”

“You know what I mean,” Jaina racked her brain for anymore excuses. She brought her hand up to her mouth, coughing lightly into it before saying, “I don’t feel so well, maybe we should do this another day?”

He didn’t budge, “Let’s cut to the power cables, shall we?”

“Where do I even start?” Jaina asked, the question directed more to herself than him.

“How about the real reason you came here?” Jag suggested.

“Hmm,” Jaina hummed, “To seduce you, wasn’t it?”

She didn’t miss the way the tips of his ears reddened in embarrassment. Jag shook his head, “That’s not the reason.”

“I’m pretty sure it is. I tricked you into going to a nude spa with me.”

“Let’s be serious, please,” Jag frowned. “I’m sure we both know this whole seduction plot of yours is just a distraction from the bigger issue.”

She simultaneously loved and hated how well he knew her. Now was one of the times she hated it. He had been distracted by her antics, yes, but now that he was on to her, she couldn’t keep up the pretence.

“I don’t know what the bigger issue is,” Jaina admitted.

Jag’s shoulders sagged. “You must have some idea. You said you wanted to escape.”

“Yeah,” Jaina nodded. “Being on Coruscant was giving me seizures. I haven’t had one since coming here.”

“Other than last night, you mean,” Jag corrected her.

“Other than last night,” Jaina confirmed.

Jag sighed but maintained his rigid posture. “Alright. What usually caused the seizures, then? What about Coruscant made it more likely for it to happen?”

Jaina shrugged. “It’s kind of…well, it’s a little lame.”

“That’s okay,” Jag assured her. “Whatever it is, it has to be serious.”

Jaina snorted. “People would look at me.”

“And?”

“…Sometimes they’d look for a few more seconds than usual?”

Jag contained his surprise well, but she still had the Force. “You would get seizures after people looked at you?”

She nodded. “Pretty much. Sometimes one of them would recognize me, even call out to me. That made it worse.”

“Is it that the looking made you feel nervous?” Jag was trying to understand. While he could be sympathetic to her feelings, he had probably never felt self-conscious a day in his life.

“It’s more like it made me feel,” Jaina paused to find the word, “Guilty. It made me feel guilty. When they looked at me, it’s like I knew they _knew_ what I’d done.”

“And what did you do?” Jag asked although he already knew the answer.

Jaina’s voice quietened. She sucked in a deep breath and called on the last of her confidence, “I murdered my brother, Jag. I killed my parents’ remaining son. I looked my twin in the eye and I- I ignored him when he tried to do something good. He wanted to do something good and I just…I just killed him, Jag. In cold blood.”

She was surprised she made it through without tearing up, but it seemed her lacrimal drought had returned after last night’s short spell of rain. Her voice had become slightly scratchy, though, a sign that she wasn’t as unaffected as she would have wanted.

Jag’s eyes softened as he finally came to understand. He finally moved over to sit at the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his. “Jacen Solo- Darth Caedus- was not a good person, Jaina. We discussed this many times before. He needed to be removed from power and he was too dangerous a threat to be neutralised otherwise.”

A logical approach, then. Jag always stuck to what he knew best. Jaina only wished that this was all based in logic and not poor, irrational thinking.

“You didn’t want me to do it, remember? Is that because you knew it was wrong?” Jaina had to ask. She valued Jag’s opinion above anyone else’s. It was because he was fair and unyielding in his beliefs. He wouldn’t lie to her just because he loved her.

“No,” Jag shook his head. “I didn’t want you to do it because I knew you’d be the one to suffer. The Galaxy would be better off, as it is now, but you would be hurt. Physically and emotionally. That’s what I didn’t want.”

“But isn’t that worth it? Isn’t the galaxy more important than my fragile mental state?”

Jag stared into her eyes. “Logically, yes. But personally, it isn’t okay for me. I don’t believe that you’re meant to suffer or be alone. I refuse to.”

She suddenly felt sad. Jag’s worrying for her would never end if that’s what he feared. “I’m the Sword of the Jedi. That’s my destiny.”

“Kriff that,” Jag said earnestly, “I won’t have it.”

It was sweet, heart-warming even, but it couldn’t do anything about her guilt. She didn’t think she’d ever not feel guilty. “It’s not up to you.”

Jag scoffed. “So, you can come disturb my peace with your seduction tactics, but I’m not allowed to want you to be happy?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

He ignored her. “You can’t live like this forever, Jaina.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Jaina asked honestly. “It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose.”

“No, but running away won’t make things better. Your parents deserve better.”

She frowned. “I guess you told them where I am.”

“Of course I did. But if I didn’t, they would have found out eventually.” Jag squeezed her hand. “Jaina, I’m afraid this is a fear you may have to face head on.”

“What happens when I collapse on a busy street? I start convulsing and it gets caught on camera? Even if I do get over this one day, I’ll never be cleared for duty again. I’m sure Daala would love nothing more than to sideline me in the name of proving my mental competence.”

Jag shrugged. “So be it, then. Your health _is_ more important than your ability to serve. If you really are mentally incompetent, as you put it, then you should not be in the line of service.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Her frowned deepened.

“I am on your side,” Jag said firmly, “Which is why I’m telling you what you need to do.”

“Prove my mental competence?” Jaina raised a brow, “How do I do that when I can barely go out in public?”

Jag thought about it, “Well, you need to keep seeing your neurologist, and your therapist. It’s not going to happen overnight.”

“The doctors I can deal with,” Jaina started, “But I hate therapy.”

“Then talk to your uncle,” Jag suggested, “I’m sure he can guide you in the Force enough to help reduce some of the anxiety.”

She hadn’t thought about that before. “Maybe. I guess that could work.”

“Next thing,” Jag continued, “If you feel so guilty, then apologise to the people you think you’ve hurt. If they say they forgive you or that there’s nothing to forgive, then you can let go of that.”

Jaina looked away, “Of course Mom and Dad are going to forgive me. That’s way too easy.”

“Is there anyone else to apologise to?” Jag asked.

In that instance she wished she could tell him about Allana, about how she’d deprived the child of her father. But she couldn’t do that without betraying the trust that Tenel ka had put in her and her family. Allana could forgive her now but come to resent her in the future. That was out of Jaina’s control. But there was one person who she couldn’t apologise to.

“I can never ask Jacen for forgiveness,” Jaina said softly, “And I’m scared that if I could, he wouldn’t give it to me. I’m scared that he’d hate me.”

Jag remained silent for a moment. “I suppose you should at least try.”

Jaina looked at him in disbelief, “Do you even believe in Force apparitions?”

“Do I have to?”

“I mean, it’s almost like you’re asking me to summon him or something.”

Jag looked a little put off. “…Is that something you can do?”

Jaina shook her head, deciding not to tease him about the possibility of calling ghosts to his place of residence. “Nah, I’ve never seen a Force ghost- or any ghost for that matter.”

“Still, there must be a way to make peace with it.”

“Look,” Jaina sighed, “I can’t make any promises.”

Jag brushed some of her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “Actually, you can. You can promise that you’ll at least try.”

She nodded slowly, “Okay. I promise.”

“Good,” Jag gave her a small smile. “Lastly, you need some peace where Zekk is concerned.”

The reminder of his disappearance turned her mood sour again. “I’m tired of sitting around.”

“As am I,” Jag agreed. “It’s time we took a more active role in finding him.”

Her eyes widened in shock. “Are you saying you’ll help me search for him?”

He nodded. “If that’s what will put you at ease, then yes, I’ll help you in any way that I can.”

“Thank you,” Jaina sighed softly. “You’re the only one who’s agreed so far.”

“Everyone is trying too, you shouldn’t forget that,” Jag reminded her. “But you need more to be done so I’ll help you do that. As long as you promise to help yourself too.”

Jaina nodded. “I will.”

“Next matter of business. What do we do about this?” Leaning forward, Jag unexpectedly planted a small peck on her lips. Jaina’s lips tingled as he broke away from her, yearning for him to come back.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think this far.”

Jag chuckled, “You planned to seduce me but didn’t think about what would happen if you succeeded?”

“Pretty much. That’s what makes it a Jaina plan, not a Jag plan.”

“Ah, what would be the ‘Jag’ plan?” Jag asked curiously.

Jaina took a moment to think about it. “Well, it wouldn’t contain half as many instances of disaster as mine did. It would also be really well-thought out and methodical.”

“Meaning?”

“Just that it would make a little more sense than what I tried. I wouldn’t be stuck in bed on medic’s orders, for example,” Jaina clarified.

He nodded, “True. I don’t think I’d need to cause either of us bodily harm to seduce you.”

“What would you do, then?”

Shrugging sheepishly, Jag said, “Well, I honestly don’t know how to go about that at all.”

Grinning widely, Jaina laughed. “You’re the same as me, aren’t you? You have no clue where to even start.”

Jag bristled, “How did I even do it the first time?”

“You almost died saving the whole squadron. I almost died trying to save you from that,” Jaina reminded him.

He glanced at her room, now full of equipment to monitor her progress. “I think there’s a pattern to this. One of us has to almost die before we can admit how we truly feel.”

“Makes sense. I realised I was still in love with you when you found me on the _Anakin Solo_, half-dead and delusional after what I did.”

Jag looked a little worried. “That was your moment of your realisation?”

“I told you back then. I was glad it was you,” Jaina looked away before continuing, “I was fine with dying because I’d get to see you one last time. I realised then what you meant to me.”

He swallowed. “And then I told you I didn’t want a relationship when I visited you. Not my finest moment, by the way.”

“Don’t I know it,” Jaina rolled her eyes. “It sucked being broken up with before we could even start.”

“I’d hardly call that a break up,” Jag said weakly.

“That’s what it felt like,” Jaina admitted. “I’d finally admitted to myself what I felt, and after what happened on Endor I thought you felt the same. But then you just left.”

Jag frowned. “I did feel the same- I still do. But my concerns still existed, and I thought you would be better off without having to worry about _us_ on top of everything else.”

Jaina nodded. “I know, I get that. It was just all I could allow myself to think about given the circumstances. So, I decided to concoct a plan to seduce you.”

“Wow,” Jag sighed. “You could have just called me.”

“No, it had to be like this. Besides, who confesses their love someone over holotransmission?”

“That would be a little awkward,” Jag admitted, “But you could have told me from the first day you got here.”

Shaking her head, Jaina levelled him a curious look. “I had to test the waters. Hence the burnt food and getting naked in some cave.”

“You really are something else,” Jag laughed. “But I’m glad you came, even though you got sick in the end. I was happy to have you here. You can imagine it gets a bit, well, lonely.”

Jaina grabbed his hand, giving him a comforting squeeze. “Idiot. If you were lonely you should have told me. I’d have come sooner.”

He smiled. “I guess I am an idiot.”

“I love you, Jag,” Jaina said softly. “I don’t know what will happen in the future, and I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover from this, but I don’t want to have to live without you. Not again.”

Jag’s free hand came to softly stroke her cheek. “Okay. You won’t have to.”

Unable to wait, Jaina surged forward to capture his lips in a searing kiss, one that she’d been waiting for him to give her since she’d woken up in the medward months ago. His hands moved to grip her waist just as her tongue slipped into his mouth. She wanted to be closer, impossibly closer, but she knew it wouldn’t happen today. So, she enjoyed this kiss now, allowing it to last until she needed to pull back to breathe, cursing her health for failing her like this. When she opened her eyes, though, Jag was grinning from ear to ear.

“What?” She asked.

“Nothing,” Jag shook his head, grin still plastered on his face. “I just love you so much.”

Intertwining their hands once more, Jaina returned his smile. “I love you too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus begins Jag's POV up until the end. Also, we jump back to lotf and then back to where it had left off last chapter, just in case it was confusing.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Between the Events of Sacrifice and Inferno, Coruscant, 40.5 ABY_

He wasn’t a man who was sensitive to death. He’d experienced the death of a loved one before he’d even reached puberty. He’d experienced it time and time again until it was a completely numbing experience. That didn’t mean that comrades dying had no effect on him, but he was well versed with grieving and knew how not to let it interfere with life.

But some deaths had the power to rock him to his core, it seemed, as the news of Mara Jade Skywalker’s death did. It wasn’t that he personally felt the loss but being around the Jedi for even as short a time as he did, he could feel the loss emanating from the entire Order. There wasn’t a single Jedi who didn’t feel as if they’d lost something, and Jaina Solo was no exception.

Jag could only stare into her shiny eyes as she tried not to fall apart before him. He’d tried so hard to ignore deep yearning for her that he’d buried deep into his heart, and he’d been very successful at that so far, but every time he’d seen her unhealthy habits and overall general misery he’d felt his barrier crack a little each time. Now, was one of those times.

While Jaina was also not a stranger to death, she could barely keep herself together in the current situation. He knew that Mara was like a mother to her, and he thankfully didn’t know what it was like to lose that.

Not in death, anyway.

Jaina swallowed a heavy lump as her eyes hardened. “I don’t want to hear anymore of this stupid rivalry.”

Jag glanced over at Zekk who also shared his awkward embarrassment. That was the last thing he expected her to say.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any rivals at the moment,” Jag said calmly, but came to regret his instinct to argue with her. She clearly wasn’t in the mood.

Her face fell in exasperation, and Jag thought he could see the life drain out of her body. “Whatever it is, I just can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want romance, I don’t want to hear about it or be the topic of it either. I just want to find Alema Rar. Nothing else.”

Zekk nodded, more willing to give in to her demands. “I understand. I’ll do anything to make sure we do just that.”

Jag had to resist the urge to scoff. Jaina didn’t want to see him squabble with Zekk anymore, not matter how fun it was. She associated it with a rivalry, and while Jag was being honest when he said he didn’t see Zekk as a rival, he could admit that it had sort of started out too antagonistically not to think that her ex-boyfriend and sort-of-current-not-boyfriend were feuding.

So, Jag nodded too. “As will I.”

Jaina simply nodded, rocking back on her heels as she tried to steady herself. “Okay. Let’s plot our next course. We need to leave by tomorrow latest.”

“But the funeral is in a few days,” Zekk reached out to place a hand on her shoulder that was quickly rejected. She glared at his hand in scorn, and Jag didn’t need the Force to feel Zekk’s embarrassment at her rejection.

“Every hour we waste not finding that mad woman, is another hour she gets away with what she’s done,” Jaina almost snarled at him. “So, until we find her, I’m not resting. Stay for the funeral if you want, but I’ll be on the hunt.”

With that, she turned in a flash and was storming out of their office quarters. Zekk started to go after her before quickly deciding against it. Jag was content with watching her go. He was never not surprised to see her self-destruct, to deny herself things she needed. That was what wrenched his heart, not that she suffered through harsh times, but how she treated herself in those times. Why couldn’t she make it easy for him and be the selfish ex-girlfriend who screwed him over to better herself.

At this point, Jag was convinced she was more miserable than he.

“What am I going to do with her?” Zekk sighed as he plopped himself onto the floor, head in his hands. Jag looked down at his unlikely comrade as he pondered the same thing. He wasn’t the type to ignore a problem before him, so he’d have to take it up on himself to turn Jaina around.

“She needs to cool off,” Jag said simply. “Right now she’s burning hot in anger, but she’ll be more approachable once that flame dies down.”

Zekk looked up to scowl at him. “I think I know my own best friend, thank you very much.”

Jag frowned. Why did everyone have to take everything so personally? It wasn’t his fault he spent- no wasted- a significant portion of his life with Jaina Solo.

“I was just answering your question,” Jag said, not rising to the bait. Zekk was probably just grieving as well.

Sighing, the taller Jedi shook his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that no matter what I do, I can’t get her out of her rut.”

Jag wasn’t sure if this was a conversation he wanted to get into but he took the chance when he moved to sit beside Zekk on the floor. “Did you think professing your love for her would somehow solve her problems?”

Zekk snorted. “At first, yeah I did. It obviously didn’t work.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jag tried not to think back to the past. “Loving someone doesn’t fix anything.”

“I tried not loving her too,” Zekk admitted, “And it’s worked for the most part. Except I feel better about our relationship and she’s just…_floating_.”

Jag shrugged. “That’s helped you, I guess. But it was never the problem for her, so I suppose it didn’t make a difference.”

“It still hurts to see someone you care about spiral,” Zekk said quieter. “I just want what’s best for her. Whatever that is.”

“I know.” Jag didn’t think he should say that he wanted the same. It was hard to admit to himself, much less to Zekk. “But she has to come to that conclusion for herself. You can’t force it.”

“You just say that ‘cause you’re bitter,” Zekk shook his head, a playful grin growing on his face. “If you weren’t then you’d have probably run after her already.”

Jag didn’t know. “Perhaps, but I’m bitter so we’ll never know.”

Zekk laughed. “You really are funny when you don’t try to be, you know that?”

“I do.” Jag left out the part that Jaina used to tell him exactly that.

-

_During the events of Inferno, Ossus, Jedi Academy, 40.5 ABY_

Most force-blind individuals understood very little to nothing about the Jedi and how they operate. For most, it depended on what their preferred news station reported. For Jag, he’d come to gain his opinion purely through direct observation. He’d only heard about the Jedi through legends and myths, and while the Chiss were not above story-telling and oral tradition, it was hardly emphasised in the education system. His father had of course told him about how dangerous they could be, as he saw the damage that Mara Jade had inflicted upon the Empire of the Hand many years ago.

Jag felt a pang of something- guilt, sadness? He wasn’t sure- as he remembered the recently fallen Jedi. He of all people was grateful that the task force was focused on Alema Rar, but he really would have preferred if his two Jedi partners had allowed themselves just a few days to grieve. But the funeral was now in the past, and he had the pleasure of watching over dozens of children being held hostage by a deranged commander. Fun.

Seated comfortably on the ledge, Jag continued to look down past at the younglings trying to maintain their composure in the bleak situation. He admired Jedi strength. His group had taken instruction well and had even attempted to cheer him up themselves. He didn’t expect that having worked with so many rebellious Jedi before.

Beside him, Jaina sat with her knees pulled up to her chest. An awkward silence had fallen over them since she’d just finished chewing him out for the bet he and Zekk jokingly made earlier. Jag chided himself for the attempt at humour. It clearly did him no good. Still, Jag wanted to reach out to her in any way he could. If even a joke could lift the dark cloud that was growing over her, he would try that.

He didn’t know why he wanted to do it, just that he did.

“I wish Zekk were here,” Jaina finally said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Ouch, Jag thought. “Well, it would destroy our chances if he had to give himself up too.”

She shook her head slowly as if to bring herself back to reality before she was turning to look at Jag. “It wouldn’t do him any good anyway. It’s better if he gets his distance from me.”

Jag frowned. Was she always this confusing?

Before he could reply, Jaina snorted when she realised his confusion. “I know, I know. I just said I wanted him here.”

He nodded. “You can imagine I’m not sure which one you really mean.”

She shrugged, her chin moving to rest on the top of her knees. He just wished she’d open up to him-

“Zekk is such a good friend to me, and he’s a really good person too. I wish more people could be like him,” Jaina started softly.

Jag wasn’t sure where this was going, but he preferred it over the silence from before. “I can’t say I disagree with that.”

“But I’ve never been able to give him what he wants,” Jaina admitted, her voice lowering to a whisper. “I want to give him everything, but I just can’t. It wouldn’t be sincere, and he doesn’t deserve insincerity.”

Jag remained silent. So, that’s what she meant. He needed to tread lightly.

“What does he want?”

Jaina glanced up at him before averting her eyes again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what he could possibly want from me. One minute he’s into me, the next he’s _so over_ me, and then he fights with my ex about who asks me the time more- what does that even mean?”

Jag grimaced. “So, I’m the problem.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But it’s implied isn’t it?” Jag didn’t know why he was delving into this. “I made things more complicated.”

Jaina shook her head. “It’s always been complicated, Jag. I think you just remind him of what he used to want. Kind of like…oh, you had the girl he once wanted so he has to compensate for that by besting you in some way. Men are weird like that.”

Surprisingly, a chuckle escaped his lips. “We are?”

Jaina smiled. “Yes, very stupid and non-sensical.”

“Okay, well, what’s my reason?” Jag shouldn’t have asked that, but he wanted to know what she thought.

She cocked her head to the side as she thought about it. “It’s rather simple. Some new guy- a taller guy, at that- is moving in on something that used to be yours. Your simple male instincts take over your usually more logical and composed self when you see things like that.”

Did he have simple male instincts? Probably.

“I don’t know, that sounds a little sexist.”

Jaina broke out into a grin. “I’m glad you can finally experience how that feels. It’s kind of like being reduced to a rag doll for a baby nexu to throw around because it’s just an object to displace whatever the nexu’s feeling onto.”

He actually understood what she meant. “Oh. _Oh_.”

She chuckled softly as she moved a hand to pat his shoulder. “I knew you’d get it. You’ve always been smart.”

“Wow,” Jag reeled. “_Ktah_.”

That made her laugh even harder. “Oh, it could have been worse. You two didn’t even come close to throwing fists.”

He looked at her. “Has that happened before?”

“No way. I don’t know what’s wrong with the two of you, but I am nowhere near desirable enough for people to throw fists,” Jaina rolled her eyes.

“You’re wrong,” Jag said a bit too quickly before he could modify that sentence to sound less attached. But Jaina was clearly unaware of her desirability and he had this strong urge to remind her.

She scowled at him. “I think I would know.”

“Jaina,” Jag snorted, “Please trust me on this.”

Jaina froze for a second, before a mischievous grin spread across her face. “Are you saying you think I’m attractive?”

He was coming to regret bringing it up as he felt his face flush. “No- I mean, that’s not what I’m saying-”

“Then what are you saying?” She asked, her voice rich with her amusement. She was having way too much fun at his expense.

What was he saying, indeed. “I’m saying that you’re more than a decent prospect for human mating standards.”

A hand came up to her mouth to muffle her laugh. “Did you just go full Chiss on me?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Just say you think I’m hot,” Jaina said as she nudged him lightly with her shoulder.

Jag ignored the tingle at her touch. “Who said I think that?”

“I think you’ve been trying to say that for the last few minutes.”

Jag steadied himself before looking at her, surprised to see how much of the despair and anger that she’d been wearing had faded from her expression. He was uncomfortable to have his own feelings be the topic of conversation, but she was clearly enjoying it enough to forget about her own worries. It made his embarrassment bearable, somehow.

“Objectively,” Jag started slowly, “I can honestly say that I would not be surprised to hear that men would fight over you.”

She continued to smile up at him, and the way it seemed to beam made his heart flutter. Just a little bit of flutter, he emphasised to himself.

Jaina shook her head, the bright smile still plastered on her face. “Nah, but I still appreciate you trying to make me feel better.”

Jag stiffened. “How did you realise?”

“You’re usually colder to me,” Jaina started, “And you avoid talking about these things too. I know how people talk when they’re trying to make me feel better. It happens way too often.”

“Sorry.” Jag didn’t know why he was apologising.

“No,” Jaina countered when she finally turned her gaze back to the vast woods before them. “It actually worked this time. So, thank you.”

Jag was grateful she looked away, else she’d see that he was still flushing. “Uh, you’re welcome.”

“I know that I’ve been very difficult, and I take it out on you and Zekk. I’m sorry for that. I’ve been unable to keep my anger to myself and it’s unfair to you both. So, I really appreciate that despite that, you still try to make me laugh.”

Jag nodded, suddenly feeling mute. He wasn’t trying to be funny- but he was funny when he didn’t try. That’s what she was trying to say, probably.

Silence fell between them again. But this time, it wasn’t awkward.

-

_After the Events of Fury, The Last Month of 40 ABY_

“Am I an idiot?” Jag found himself wondering aloud. He immediately came to regret it when Zekk had looked up from his work station to nod at him rather enthusiastically.

Jag scowled. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”

Zekk cocked his head to the side in thought. “Jaina?”

He blanched at his friend. How did he know?

“I just can’t understand myself when it comes to her,” Jag found himself confessing. He’d been pouring over it for the last few days ever since he’d managed to get Jaina to see that she was going the wrong way. When they’d taken that day off, he’d admitted to Zekk that he only did it because he had been terrified at the thought of someone he once greatly cared for going astray. Then the next day, Jaina had seemed to truly take his advice, and while there was nothing he could do to ease all her worries, she had this peaceful aura to her, like she’d done some well-needed reflection at his request.

After that, Jag felt the floodgates open. When it came to her, he couldn’t stop _feeling_ in a way that was too reminiscent of their past. It terrified him that he had harboured these feelings all this time having just buried them at the back of his mind. Even after finally catching up to Alema Rar and ending her madness, Jag had been more fixated on his relationship- if he could he even call it that- with Jaina than with the depression he was supposed to succumb to now that he had completed his life’s last purpose.

It was so unlike him that he almost felt disgusted, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that he simply had nothing else to do other than to think about these frivolous matters.

Zekk made a face. “I thought you were over her.”

Jag returned the sentiment, “I never said that, but I’m sure you did.”

“Oh, I am.” Zekk declared proudly, but his eyes narrowed Jag’s way in that protective manner that he often did when he was about to engage Jag in an argument.

“But?”

“But,” Zekk continued, “I can’t let you hurt her again.”

Jag almost laughed. “Hurt her? I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around.”

“See,” Zekk pointed an accusing finger his way, “That’s what I mean. You don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.”

“…I haven’t,” Jag said carefully. He didn’t think Zekk was remembering things properly.

Zekk shook his head. “Regardless of who was right or wrong in the circumstances that led to your, uh, exile, that doesn’t absolve her from feeling the way she does about it.”

“I’m not following,” Jag said honestly.

“She obviously feels guilty about what happened,” Zekk clarified, “I was joined with her at the time. I would know.”

Jag grimaced at the reminder. “I remember, yes. But what does her feeling guilty have to do with anything?”

“You hurt her,” Zekk said, “Your bitterness and coldness towards her hurt her. I’m not saying you’re wrong for being like that- hell, I’d say you have a great reason- but it still hurt her to finally see you again alive and well and you look at her like she brought the plague.”

He didn’t like that description but he still felt it necessary to defend himself. “Like you said, I was rightfully angry about her role in my own downfall.”

Zekk nodded. “And you can stay mad for the rest of your life. But if you want to be in her life, you’re going to have to let all that go.”

“It’s not that easy, Zekk.” While Jag didn’t feel anger or resentment towards her, he couldn’t deny the betrayal that persisted in his heart.

“I know. But as her friend first, and yours second, I can’t stand to see her heartbroken over you anymore. I had to endure it when we first became joiners and all she thought about was you, when she had to fight on the opposite side of yours, and then when you came back cold and bitter towards her.”

Jag was silent for a moment as he processed. Surely Zekk wouldn’t lie to him. While he did think he was justified in his anger, he never thought that Jaina would be that torn up about it. It was easier to imagine her being more nonchalant about the situation. Knowing this made it harder to stay bitter.

“Wait, you mean I’m only second in line as your friend?” Jag broke the silence.

Zekk blinked. “Fel, you are not funny.”

Jag frowned. “Sorry, I thought it would work this time.”

Patting his friend firmly on the back, Zekk shook his head. “We’ll work on it, buddy.”

-

He hadn’t been able to come to terms with his feelings properly, not before Jaina was leaning into him, almost begging him to kiss her. It was instinct, of course, not desire that made him duck down and capture her lips with his. There was no way this was something he’d wanted before. He was stressed from the war, or about his exile- oh, he also got out of the medward recently and must have had some kind of brain damage-

But his body betrayed him, and his eyes were closing as he sunk into what must have been the first brush of bliss he’d felt in _years_. Her lips were soft- _too_ soft, that Jag thought he’d break them if he kissed her any harder. Jaina didn’t seem to agree as she was leaning her whole weight onto him as she slipped her tongue into his. Jag had lost it then.

Of course he did, there was an incredibly beautiful woman letting him know that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. And that was the truth right there, he wanted Jaina Solo.

Upon his realisation, his hands were moving to grip her hips as she moved to straddle his legs. It was getting heated fast, and Jag’s brain could hardly keep up when he was being pushed onto his back and was pinned down by the glorious weight of Jaina’s body pressed tight against his.

_This was what he wanted_, was all Jag could think. Of course it was. He’d spent weeks agonizing because he’d forgotten his simple human instincts. Jaina had been on his mind because of his built-up frustration, nothing more.

“Jag,” Jaina was moaning softly. The sound was like honey to his ears. It was the voice he’d heard in his dreams for years, even on the years on Tenupe. The good dreams were like this, they had Jaina in them the way he remembered before their relationship had fallen apart.

Her hand was snaking between them to undo his belt, and Jag was happy to let her. At this point, he felt desperate to have whatever she would give him. In response, Jag’s own hands moved from her hips, so that he could feel her like he used to. Beneath her Jedi robes, he could feel every curve, every nuance, just like he remembered. There was a time when she was all his, and he desperately wanted to have her again. As her hand finally slipped underneath his trousers, Jag sighed softly as his lips moved to attach onto her slender neck. They hadn’t been together in a long time, but Jaina surely remembered how to make him feel good.

Jag decided to return the favour then, one hand moving to undo her trousers. As his fingers came in contact with her skin, Jaina let out another moan, one that got louder and louder as he slipped his fingers into her, one by one.

“Jag,” She breathed out before Jag was kissing her again, unable to keep himself from moaning into her mouth as she slipped her own hand around his now fully hard dick. If they kept this up, he’d have her on her back in seconds and then he’d be-

His eyes snapped open quickly when reality came crashing down. Jaina seemed to sense his apprehension when her movements stopped and she broke the kiss to stare at him in confusion. Jag blinked a few times, ignoring every fibre of his being that wanted him to continue as he removed his hands from her body.

“What’s wrong?” Jaina asked, and her voice was small and timid in a way that made Jag hate himself for what he was about to say. But once he’d allowed himself a second to think straight, he’d realised that this was all wrong. Maybe for him, this encounter would ease his mind and help him figure out what he wanted, but for Jaina she’d go back to feeling lost and confused as she prepared to face her brother in a duel to the death.

He couldn’t do that to her, he couldn’t use her like this-

“I’m sorry,” Jag said as he gently pushed her out of his lap. His hands moved quickly to fix his clothes once more as his eyes darted around to make sure no one had seen them. “This- This isn’t the right time.”

Of course it wasn’t. Zekk told him not to hurt her again. If he slept with her now, without knowing if he wanted something more, he would do just that.

Jaina sat back on her heels, hair mussed and clothes still disturbed, no thanks to him of course. Her eyes were glassy, as if she were on the verge of tears. He swallowed heavily when he realised he’d come to his senses too late. He’d probably done enough damage already.

“It’s not,” Jaina steadied her voice well. She seemed determined not to cry. “But when will it be?”

Jag didn’t know the answer to that. “I want to give what you want, believe me. But I don’t want to hurt you somewhere down the road. I want to do this right.”

She nodded. “But when?”

“What do you mean?”

“I understand that there’s no way to sort out any of…” Jaina paused as she looked around before gesturing to the sky above, “Any of this. But I don’t know if I’ll be alive in the next few weeks and-”

Jag cut her off, “Don’t talk like that. You’re going to make it out alive, so don’t talk like that.”

Jaina frowned at him, and he expected her to get angry. “You don’t know that. But I know that it’s more likely that I’ll die. And that doesn’t even scare me. I haven’t feared death since I was maybe eighteen years old.”

He didn’t want to hear her say that. He wished she could make things easier for him and stay out of this mess with her brother and focus on herself alone. But that wasn’t the Jaina Solo he knew, and it would never be.

“Even if you believe that, I don’t want us to rush into something neither of is sure of yet.”

“Do you know what I’m scared of, Jag?” Jaina asked, voice uncharacteristically quiet.

Jag shook his head as she moved back into a discrete sitting position, her eyes glued to the ground. “I’m so scared that I’ll die like this, the way that I am now. I want to be the woman I used to be, but I don’t know who she is. I don’t want to die without finding out who she really is.”

His heart crumbled as he watched her, unsure if he was allowed to embrace her again.

“Jaina, you won’t die.” He said again, willing it into existence with his words.

She looked back up at him. “But if I do, then what will I leave behind? I want to at least make things right with you. Something, anything, would be good enough. I thought this was what you wanted.”

Jag shook his head. “I honestly don’t know what I want.”

She snorted, giving him a small smile that felt genuine. “Okay. My bad, then.”

Jag stood there awkwardly as she made no move to get up or to even fix her clothes. “Not your bad. It’s on the both of us.”

Sitting back next to her, Jag moved the sleeve of her tunic that had fallen down her shoulder back into place. When his fingers brushed her skin, Jaina looked up at him with hopeful eyes, the same look that had haunted his dreams.

“Then everything’s okay between us?” Jaina asked.

He finally returned her smile. They wouldn’t know what the future held for them now, not while there was still so much to do and they both had a lot of soul-searching to complete.

“Yeah. Everything’s more than okay.”

-

_Shortly After the Death of Darth Caedus (Jacen Solo)_

Confidently strolling through the white halls of the medward, Jag knew he looked the part. The Imperial uniform suited him well and was also a call back to his earlier service to the Chiss Ascendancy that donned a similar style. He still hadn’t fully processed the transition, going from a nobody to the most powerful individual in the Remnant. He didn’t really have words to describe how it felt, especially since he hadn’t had a second to himself to even ponder the implications.

But he had put off coming here long enough, and he knew that he’d kept her waiting for too long. He had been the first to reach her after she successfully defeated her brother, and he’d been so relieved to see her still alive that he’d dangerously tried to separate her from the corpse she held dearly. He had paid for that mistake, of course, but Jaina had been grateful that he’d come for her- something that warmed his heart and saddened him at the same time. He had promised her that she would make it out alive but now he feared how she would be in the aftermath. She had confessed to him that her one desire was to find herself, and Jag doubted that she could do that anytime soon.

It ached his heart personally to know that she’d never be ready for a relationship with him until she did so, and now she was probably setback in that journey. No matter what she could say about being alright would ever convince him that she hadn’t scarred herself for life. Killing one’s twin was not something she would easily recover from, and Jag was afraid he’d have to take several step backs until she managed just that.

He took a deep breath as he stopped behind the door that now separated them. The nurses had informed him that Jaina’s usual visitors were out on what was a rare occasion. Jag was a little grateful that he didn’t have to face Jaina’s family at this time. While it was Luke Skywalker’s influence that thrusted him into this position, he didn’t think that the Solos would be so welcoming to his involvement in their family affairs.

Jag sighed. It seemed that whenever he gained something he had to lose something precious in return.

Swiping a hand over the sensor, Jag continued his confident gait into the room, unaware of the series of events he was about to catalyse.

-

_Hyperspace, The Last Month of 41 ABY_

Jag leaned back in the pilot’s chair, content to close his eyes as they travelled through hyperspace. Even without the Force he could feel Jaina’s eyes boring into him as she reluctantly withheld whatever it is she wanted to say to him. It was hard to get any time alone when they had to carry security agents with them on this excursion of theirs.

He was simply tired after having to rush through some of his duties to ensure they could have these three days to make an extensive search of the region. Truthfully, he didn’t have high hopes. Agents from various factions had scoured the sector where Zekk’s ship had been destroyed but there was still no sign that indicated that the Jedi was still alive. He didn’t like it, but Jaina was insistent that she would know if he died. She wasn’t going to give up until she had some kind of evidence that he had indeed perished in the accident. If they did find that evidence, Jag didn’t know what to do next. He’d read up enough on her seizures to know how to handle it if it happened again, but the worst part was knowing that there was only so much pain Jaina could handle. He couldn’t afford to add Zekk on top of that.

But even though they were heading on a mission that might yield the most unfavourable of results, Jaina was still staring at him with what he thought were adoring eyes.

She really was kind of sick, when he thought about it. Her responses to what he would think were negative experiences were simply replaced with whatever she decided to fixate on, and now her fixation seemed to be him. He didn’t doubt that she was being truthful about her feelings for him, but there was a part of him that feared she’d fall even harder the more she ignored her problems.

Jag opened eye as he finally spoke, “Is there something you wanted to say?”

Jaina shook her head, then nodded, then shook her head again. “No. I’m just thinking about what I’m going to say Zekk when we find him.”

Jag had to contain his cringe. Should he really be entertaining this if she were suffering from a delusion? Or was he now dismissing her usually apt instincts simply because he was well acquainted with her medical history?

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, so I’ll say it again that there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to find anything.” Jag knew she wouldn’t be offended by his sound reasoning. She’d come to expect it from him over the years and would easily detect insincerity if he tried to say otherwise.

She nodded. “I know you think that, Jag. But I know in the Force that Zekk is still alive, and when he knows that I’m looking for him he’ll come back.”

“You think he’s intentionally hiding?” Jag asked.

“Maybe,” Jaina shrugged, “I just…I keep having these dreams where he’s alive and well, but they don’t feel like regular dreams.”

Was that the Force or was it her wishful thinking? Jag would have no way of knowing. “What’s he doing in those dreams?”

Jaina’s eyes seemed to become distant. “Moving around. Almost like he’s following someone. He’s not alone either.”

“I see.” He wasn’t sure what to say. He just wanted her to get better.

The cockpit began beeping, a signal that they were coming out of hyperspace in a few minutes. They’d release the probes to scan the area before touching down on the nearest planet to search for any sign that Zekk had passed through. If he were really on the move like Jaina suggested, it would be a good place to start…

“I know you think I’m crazy,” Jaina said, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“What?”

Her voice was quiet as her gaze hardened. “You think I’m slowly losing my mind.”

“I don’t,” Jag said with a frown, but didn’t he really think so? He was pretty much just indulging her fantasy that Zekk had lived, and while he intended to do a thorough search, he didn’t actually believe they’d find anything. So, he did think that, didn’t he?

Jaina shook her head. “You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.” Jag cursed himself for forgetting she could sense things like that. He didn’t have to lie often, and especially not to her, but they promised that they would try to make something work. If that were the case, he needed to be as honest with her as she was with him. It surely wasn’t easy for her to tell him these things even while knowing he thought this was all just displaced feelings about her duel with her brother.

“Jag, I know that it sounds crazy. I’ve had to endure being a crazy woman for the last five months. I know what it feels like to be talked down to.”

“I’m sorry,” he started, “I didn’t mean to do that.”

She nodded. “I know. You’re trying, I know. I can see things you can’t, and you often have to trust me on these things. I know it doesn’t help that I’m certified crazy now.”

“You’re not crazy,” Jag insisted.

“Whatever you want to call it. You think I’m just trying to deflect from what’s really hurting me.”

Bingo. “I’m just worried about what this investigation will yield. What will you do if you can’t find anything substantial?”

Jaina shrugged. “We look somewhere else.”

“What if,” Jag paused as he wondered if should say it before deciding that Jaina wanted only honesty from him, “What if we find out that he did indeed die? How will you deal with that then?”

“I would know if he died,” Jaina repeated to him like he’d heard say for the last few months now.

“Jaina, it’s a real possibility. So, you need to be prepared for that.”

Her shoulders seemed to slump as she pondered the implication. “I don’t know, Jag. I killed my brother a few months ago and started to have psychogenic seizures, what do you think will happen if I have to add my best friend’s death to the list of things contributing to that?”

“Won’t it be better to prepare for that possibility, then?” Jag plead with her, “We’re going to search, believe me, but you have to keep your mind open to it.”

Jaina sighed softly, her head shaking a little. “He always rooted for me, you know?”

“I know, Jaina.” Jag softened as he felt her pain from his seat. He reached out to take her hand in his, giving it a comforting squeeze. “I know it’s not easy.”

She turned her eyes to his with a determined and hard gaze as she spoke, “He would never give up on me. He wouldn’t stop believing in me, so I have to do the same for him.”

Jag nodded. “I understand.”

“Good,” Jaina drew her hand away from his. “I know that these dreams I’m having are his way of letting me know he’s safe. I have to investigate that until there’s nothing left to prove.”

Jag couldn’t argue with that. “Alright. We make planetfall in a few minutes, do you have any idea where to search first?”

Jaina gave him an apologetic smile. “I’m afraid that Zekk’s never been one to make things too easy for either of us.”

He sighed. She was definitely right about that.

-

_Deep in the transitory Mists, Jenu_

They had done a pretty extensive trek around the spaceport of the small planet of _Jenu_. The market was also bustling, but even with Jaina’s use of Force suggestions, they hadn’t been able to get anything substantial out of the locals.

Jag had asked around as well, going from person to person asking if they’d seen anyone who matched the tall Jedi’s description and whether injured or not. No one had anything to say, and they’d spent almost the whole day covering the major towns and cities. They made good ground considering that they’d only been there for some hours, but Jag didn’t have a whole week to search. They had only two more days.

“We should check the slums next,” Jaina was saying. “If he was trying to lay low, I doubt he’d have gone to any hospitals or clinics to treat his injuries.”

Jag nodded. “Probably. I don’t think those two would like that though.”

He pointed to the two security agents who had done a terrible job at pretending not be tailing them. Jag would really need to speak to the head of Intelligence about the training of their officers.

Jaina waved a hand in dismissal. “We won’t stay the night. I just want to ask around to see if-”

Her speech was cut off as she swivelled around to face whatever distracted her. Jag’s eyes followed hers to the bustling market behind them. “What is it?”

Jaina’s eyes narrowed. “I thought I felt something familiar.”

“Like Zekk?”

“No,” she shook her head, “I’d know if it was him. But I’m sure I’ve felt that presence before, I just can’t place where.”

Jag sighed. “Should we follow it?”

Jaina thought about it for a moment. “No, I have a feeling they’ll make themselves known soon enough.”

In the speeder ride, Jag had insisted that he drive despite Jaina’s protests that he’d already gotten to the fly the ship.

“I can’t risk you spazzing out on me while behind the wheel,” Jag had said rather tongue-in-cheek.

Jaina gave him her signature scowl. “Don’t be a dick.”

Jag laughed lightly. “Speaking of seizures, you spent the whole day with strangers in a busy market and didn’t even blink.”

“Oh,” Jaina said quietly as if she’d just realised that. “I didn’t even notice.”

Jag smiled. “It means you’re getting better.”

“Or maybe I just know that people from this planet wouldn’t know who I am, hence no need to panic about them thinking I’m a murderer.”

“Jaina, they don’t live under a rock.”

She glanced out the open-topped speeder to point out the underdeveloped infrastructure lining the roads. There weren’t even proper sky lanes for their speeders.

“Are you sure?”

Jag rolled his eyes. “I’m sure they would know just as much as any other being in this galaxy.”

“I don’t want you to think it’s getting better when really I just haven’t been met with the right trigger.”

“I know. But this was once a trigger, and today nothing happened. I count that as a win.”

Jaina sighed. “Let’s not celebrate prematurely.”

In the small village on the outskirts of the last major town, they had disembarked form the speeder and had Jag’s security detail stay to watch over it while they ventured into the village. They weren’t pleased, but once Jaina flashed her lightsabre, there wasn’t much room for complaint.

It was nightfall by the time they’d exhausted every street vendor and passer-by with their usual questions. Jag wished they could have been on a more developed world that employed the use of cameras. It would be so much easier to answer their questions if they were.

He was becoming worried that their lack of success would discourage her, but Jaina had insisted that they were going in the right direction. He’d just have to trust in that.

While lost in his thoughts, he’d bumped into her back as she suddenly stopped in front of a rough-looking tavern. Jaina turned back to him with a wicked grin.

“Now is not the time for drinks,” Jag said simply, but he knew that look in her eyes meant she wasn’t about to give up.

“Jagged, I’ve seen this place before,” She started excitedly.

Jag looked back at the establishment, frowning at the lopsided sign and broken door that led inside. “This place?”

“In my dreams,” Jaina beamed. “Zekk was here, I know it.”

His gaze moved back to her. “Are you sure?”

Nodding enthusiastically, Jaina grabbed his hand as she marched towards it.

“Maybe we should put on some disguises,” Jag was saying as she dragged him through the door, unconcerned that they’d be recognized. She really did think these beings lived under a rock.

The tavern wasn’t that dilapidated. Truly, Jag was expecting worse, but it at least wasn’t infested with pests- that could be seen at least. Jaina continued her confident march up to the bartender who looked her up and down with the seediest of looks. By this time, she’d already let go of him in pursuit of her quest.

Jag watched her as she demanded the Gamorrean answer her questions. Jag approached slowly as he noticed the eyes of the bar’s patrons glued onto Jaina, while their hands were glued onto their rifles.

“Listen here, big guy,” Jaina was saying as she leaned over the counter. “It won’t hurt you to answer something so simple.”

The Gamorrean snorted obnoxiously. “I don’t have to tell you anything. Now, be a good girl and buy some drinks or get out.”

Jaina bristled, her hand curling into a fist at her side, but before she could move Jag was snaking up behind her in a smooth movement, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he flashed a bright smile to the bartender.

“That’s _my_ girl you’re talking to, you know. You better watch it.”

He felt Jaina’s questioning eyes boring into him at his manner of speech, but in his exile he’d learnt how to deal with these kind of situations before anyone drew their blaster- and considering that Jaina’s fist was more than visible to the loyal patrons, he figured at least one or two had quietly drawn theirs.

The bartender huffed. “You shouldn’t let her roam around like that. Who knows when she’ll piss off the wrong guy and get herself in some serious trouble?”

Jaina stiffened underneath his arm and he could feel her ready to pummel this guy’s face in if she didn’t trust him to handle it.

Jag gave an apologetic smile. “I’ll have to talk to her about it. How about some drinks then?”

The Gamorrean grinned- or maybe it was a snarl- “That’s what I like to hear.”

Jag carefully manoeuvred Jaina onto the bar stool, keeping his arm around her waist as he remained standing. When their drinks were ready, he carefully took a small sip of his when Jaina showed no indication of wanting to play along.

“So, is everyone in this town this tight-lipped?” Jag asked.

The bartender glanced back at him. “It depends. Are you trying to find out something you shouldn’t know?”

Jag took a look around the bar again, noting the hardened glares of the patrons once more. They seemed to think he was law enforcement, and Jag thanked the stars that the inhabitants of this planet were as clueless as Jaina had insisted earlier. It wouldn’t be good for his reputation to be spotted in a place like this.

“Ah,” Jag mused, “You think I’m here to bust your boys. No worries, our business here is personal.”

“Yeah,” he huffed, “Personal enough to sell out someone trying to make a new life.”

Jag shrugged. “I don’t know, will you tell me what I want to know?”

“Is that a threat, pretty boy?”

“It could be. Would you rather I just pay you here for your troubles or do you prefer if I threaten to let the Alliance authorities know where their escaped convicts run off to for a little drink?”

“Why you-” The bartender was cut off by the sound of drawn blasters pointed their way. Jaina was quicker, however, and before Jag could even blink there was an ignited lightsabre directly under the Gamorrean’s throat.

“Listen,” Jaina said slowly, no concern for the blasters pointed her way. Jag winced himself at her tone. Why couldn’t she just let him handle it?

“I don’t care for your illegal operation,” Jaina was saying, voice low so that it wouldn’t carry, “Just tell me what I want to know and we’ll be gone.”

Jag slowly reached in to his pocket, sliding the picture of Zekk across the counter until he was sure the bartender could see it. “Have you seen this man in the last five months?”

The Gamorrean glared at them hard, prompting Jaina to mover her blade closer to his skin. At the gesture, he seemed to see sense as his gaze shifted down to the picture below. Jag was surprised, but he was sure that he’d seen a hint of recognition from him.

“You’re making all this fuss about this guy?” He said carefully. “Sure, he passed through here couple months ago. I remember because he was the tallest human I’d ever seen.”

Jag could see the relief in Jaina’s posture as she lowered her blade. “And you’re sure it was him.”

“Of course,” the bartender continued, pointing at Jaina’s still ignited lightsaber, “He was carrying one of these with him too. His girlfriend had started a fight that he ended up having to finish.”

Jag frowned. “His girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” he slurred at them, “Tall girl with red hair. A lot hotter than this pipsqueak here.”

Jaina bristled but resisted her urge to raise her blade back up at him. “Do you know where they went? Or why they came here?”

The bartender finally stepped back behind the counter, not wanting to give Jaina the chance to threaten him again. “I wasn’t that concerned. They left soon after the fight but I’m sure I heard them mention something about Hapes.”

Jaina was smiling at this point. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

The Gamorrean huffed once more. “You should leave.”

Jag grabbed Jaina by the shoulders when he noticed that the blasters were still pointed their way. “I agree.”

She let him lead her out, similar to the way in which he’d allowed her to drag him in there in the first place. Once they were a few meters out, Jaina had turned to him with the brightest smile, and bright eyes to match. Jag was almost mesmerised by her beauty.

“I _told_ you he’s alive,” Jaina beamed. “And he’s alright too if he’s starting bar fights.”

Jag returned her smile. “Yes, you’re right. If he’s telling the truth, then Zekk is definitely still well.”

Jaina nodded. “Oh, he was telling the truth. All that tough attitude just to piss himself the minute I drew my blade.”

“He did?” Jag found himself laughing.”

“Yep,” Jaina shrugged. “That’s what he gets for treating me like I’m your quiet little play thing.”

“Hey,” Jag complained, “I had that scene under control.”

Jaina laughed. “So I saw. When did you learn to swindle like that?”

“Oh, you know me. I had a lot of free time in my exile.”

“You spent that time in seedy bars?” Jaina asked carefully.

“No,” Jag answered, “But this isn’t my first time blindly searching for a rogue Jedi.”

“Hmm,” Jaina hummed, still buzzing with excitement. “We need to find this friend of his.”

“The girlfriend?” Jag asked to be clear. He noticed the way Jaina’s smile faltered at the word. Interesting.

“Yes, yes. All things are pointing to her being Hapan, if his description was correct.”

“Right. They were also discussing the Consortium,” Jag added.

“We can ask Tenel ka then,” Jaina rattled off, “If I’m right, he’s off somewhere with Taryn Zel. I don’t know why exactly he’d be hanging around a Hapan spy, but if it’s for official business then I doubt Tenel ka would just reveal that to us.”

“Or maybe they’re having an extended lover’s vacation in celebration of not dying in the war,” Jag suggested. Now that their fears of Zekk’s death had been pushed to the side, he no longer saw the need for this expedition to last long. Like Jaina said, they’d contact Tenel ka about it, but as long as Zekk didn’t want to be found there was no need to go ruining his cover by finding him.

Jaina made a face. “Ew, they are not lovers. They barely know each other.”

“It’s been five months, Jaina, and if I remember correctly, she asked you permission for him and you said yes.”

Her face flushed. “That- That is not what happened!”

Jag raised a brow. “That is _exactly_ what happened.”

“I- No,” Jaina folded her arms across her chest.

“I don’t see why you’re getting so worked up. I thought you said you were in love with me,” Jag was amused, but there was a bit of insecurity that threatened to pour out.

Jaina’s expression softened. “I am, of course. This has nothing to do with that.”

“What does it have to do with, then? Are you in love with him too?”

“No,” Jaina said firmly, “I just don’t know if this woman is good enough for him.”

Jag’s smile returned at her admission. “Oh, it’ll be fine.”

“We have to keep moving. Who knows who else had seen them?” Jaina said as she moved back towards their speeder.

“Why though?” Jag voiced to her as he tried to keep up with her quick strides. “He doesn’t want to be found and we know that he survived.”

Jaina shook her head. “We need more proof. I’ve only proven to you that he lived, this may not be enough for the council.”

Jag nodded, “Yes, but remember he doesn’t want to be found. I’m sure in due time he’ll resurface.”

“Jag, I am not giving up when this is what I’ve been searching for these last few months. I’ve been _dreaming_ of this so much that I was able to find this place and get some answers. There’s no way in hell I’m turning back now.”

He wanted to argue with her. But realistically, they still had two more days until before he could use time as an excuse. He sighed as he continued on the walk back to the speeder. Jaina happily fell into step with him, linking her arm through his.

“Thank you for this,” She said, her voice uncharacteristically gentle.

He looked down into her sincere eyes, and his heart melted as it always seemed to. He’d do anything to keep that happiness in her eyes.

“I made a promise, didn’t I? Now, let’s get back to the ship and get some well needed shut-eye. I don’t think I want to spend the night in a motel here.”

Jaina chuckled. “I see that the Imperial lifestyle has gotten to your head.”

He snorted. “Believe me, I’m still getting used to it. But after sleeping on those beds, I don’t think I can go back to tough mattresses or underneath some tree ever again.”

Jaina hummed. “Hey.”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s not have sex until we find Zekk.”

Jag stopped in his tracks. “Am I somehow being punished?”

Jaina smiled up at him. “No. I just think it’ll be better the longer we hold out.”

He didn’t like this particular metric of waiting. “Couldn’t you have used some other goal post? Like maybe until the seizures go away, or until you’re going back home. Why this?”

Jaina shrugged, her smile turning into a wicked grin. “I think you need a little motivation to continue the search. I can’t have you getting complacent.”

Jag frowned. She was going to be the death of him.

-

“I still can’t believe Tenel ka would keep something like this from me,” Jaina said with a frown. She was seated at the small vanity table that was afforded to them in the cabin of the ship. She was drying her hair, as she watched Jag through the mirror from where he lay on the bed behind her.

Jag’s eyes peeked open as he tried to get as much rest as he could before she was dragging him off somewhere else. “There is still a possibility that she doesn’t know.”

“Taryn is her spy, Jag. I’m sure she knows where she is at all times.”

“Or,” Jag said as he sat up, arms raised as he stretched the sleep out of his body, “She knows absolutely nothing about where she is _because_ she’s a good spy.”

Jaina frowned. “I just don’t get the reason for this ruse. Why would Zekk want to hide from me?”

Jag shrugged. “I’m sure there’s a good reason for it, whatever it is.”

“I guess,” Jaina sighed. “So, are you going to use your Imperial connections to get an answer from Tenel ka?”

He laughed. “Jaina, if I reach out to her using the office of the Imperial Remnant, I can assure you that we’re guaranteed to get no response.”

“Right, right,” Jaina mused. “I forgot your lot had her daughter killed.”

He frowned, not because what she said wasn’t true but because of the way she said it. Tenel ka was supposed to be her close friend. He didn’t expect her to refer to that incident with that level of nonchalance. But perhaps it was how she coped with the incident. Jacen Solo was just as complicit in the nanovirus as his moffs were.

“Yes, well, I think it’ll be up to you to make contact.”

Jaina nodded. “I suppose she’ll probably be more receptive to answering me. But I don’t think she’ll want to discuss the whereabouts of her spies over holotransmission.”

“Well, for now you can just send her a message letting her know you found something out.”

“Does that mean we’re going to Hapes?” Jaina’s face split into a wide grin.

Jag grimaced. Ashik wouldn’t like this at all. “I suppose that would be the quickest way to go about it.”

Jaina jumped out of her chair, throwing down the towel she was finished with before moving towards the exit to the cabin. “Great. I’ll send a message to Tenel ka right now.”

“And to your parents, right? You should let them know what we’re up to.”

Jaina turned around for a moment, her eyebrows knitted in the way they always did when she lied to him. “Yeah, sure. I’ll give them an update.”

With that she was out of the room, no doubt going to the comm to do only one of those things. Jag sighed as he moved to pick up the towel she had dropped and cleared away the table she just sat at. He had hoped that she would be more open with her parents since their heart-to-heart, but she’d been increasingly avoidant of returning their calls ever since he’d told them where she was. He more than respected her privacy; he wouldn’t tell them anything unless it were an emergency, but he wanted her to tell them things she would tell him. It would be better for her in the long run.

It took him some time to shower and get ready, and by the time he was back in the cockpit, Jaina was already busy navigating their course towards Hapes.

“There’s no way she could have responded this quickly,” Jag said as he took a seat in the co-pilot’s chair. Jaina barely turned her eyes from the screen to regard him.

“No, but she won’t turn us away if we stop by.”

Jag snorted. “You’re seriously banking on your childhood friendship to get us an unplanned audience with her?”

She swivelled around in her chair to scowl at him. “Tenel ka’s more than just a childhood friend. She’s like family to me.”

That was interesting. Jag nodded. “If you insist, but just know that Ashik will have your head if this turns out miserably.”

“Oh, don’t be such a sourpuss,” Jaina waved him off as she entered in the coordinates she’d just finished calculating. “I’ll bring you back to your babysitter without a hair out of place.”

Jag surged forward to catch her wrist before she could pull the lever that would propel them into hyperspace. “Are you not going to double check those coordinates?”

She raised a brow, “Do you not trust my ability to calculate jumps?”

“I’m sure your mathematical skills are still intact,” Jag reassured her as his eyes scanned over the screen, “But no one is immune to human error.”

She rolled her eyes at him, getting out of the chair to give him a better view. “Fine, double check it if you’re so paranoid.”

Jag assumed the seat at the navigation computer so he could ensure that she did indeed do her calculations. In a few minutes, he was nodding at her work. There were no errors that he could detect. He finally turned back to where she now sat in the pilot’s chair.

“I guess it’s your turn to fly?” Jag said with a small smile.

“Oh? I guess this means I did my math right,” Jaina smirked at him.

He moved back over to the co-pilot’s chair, leaning back as he nodded. “Go ahead.”

With that, Jaina pulled the lever and they watched the stars stretch before them once more.

-

_Hapes Cluster, Hapes_

To describe the descent into Hapes as chaotic, Jag would have to call that an understatement. Authorities in Hapan Space were _not_ happy to allow a ship that carried the Imperial Head of State to land planetside without the proper permissions granted. Jaina had spent a good thirty minutes arguing before they had allowed them down apparently under the Queen Mother’s orders.

They had been allowed to land in the Queen Mother’s private hangar, but Jag’s security agents had been increasingly agitated at the danger that he was potentially putting himself into. Jag didn’t share their anxiety. For some reason, he trusted Jaina’s instincts completely.

As the ramp to their ship descended, they were slowly greeted with the sight of Tenel ka Djo, the Queen Mother of the Hapes Consortium, an elegant and fierce Dathomiri who had been reluctantly called to lead her system, just as he was.

Jaina quickly found herself at the end of the ramp and was soon pulled into a tight hug from her long-time friend. Jag could only watch as the two women embraced, unsure of how Tenel ka would feel to see him here. Of course she knew that he had no involvement in her daughter’s death, and she had been one of the reasons why his appointment was accepted in exchange for her agreement not to extradite the responsible moff council. That still didn’t make her pain any less real, nor did it make Hapan court any less ripe for treason if she were to be personally associated with him.

He slowly made his way down as the two parted. He bent slightly at the waist to give her a short but courteous bow that he was sure Jaina had found herself laughing at.

“Your majesty,” Jag said as he straightened.

To his surprise, Tenel ka smiled. “It’s nice to see you again, Jagged.”

He returned her smile. “Yes, I’m glad that it’s for a different cause. Our last meeting wasn’t that pleasant, was it?”

She grimaced. “Yes. Dealing with your moffs is never fun for me, but I’m glad to have passed that responsibility on to you.”

Jaina looked between the two of them before coughing awakwardly. “Okay, can we take off our Head of State hats? We have something important to discuss.”

Tenel ka chuckled at her friend’s impatience. “I got your message, yes. We can talk in my quarters.”

There was protest from both her security and Jag’s about leaving the three alone, but in the Queen mother’s palace there was little room discussion when she gave an order.

“You mentioned that you’ve been following Taryn Zel’s trail?” Tenel ka said once they were alone.

Jaina nodded. “Well, it was really Zekk who we managed to get a whiff of and he was said to have been with someone who matches her description.”

Jag watched the slight changes in Tenel ka’s expression. While he was no Jedi, he was still able to get a read of her through her face. She did well in not betraying her thoughts, but she was obviously withholding something from them.

“You are aware that many Hapan women share the same description, myself included.”

Jaina’s eyes narrowed towards her friend. “True, but I had this really weird feeling when Taryn asked me for, uh, permission to have Zekk back on Shedu Maad.”

Tenel ka laughed lightly. “Jaina, that’s just how Hapan women make sure they’re not stepping on another woman’s toes.”

Jaina flushed. “It was different, Tenel ka. I keep thinking about my last few conversations with Zekk. It was as if he knew he was going to be gone for some time, and he wanted to make sure I’d be okay with that.”

The Queen Mother’s glanced to Jag. “Taryn could have easily asked for permission for this one. It was probably just a coincidence that she asked for Zekk.”

Jag felt a little uncomfortable at the way the conversation turned and decided it was his time to step in. “I think I understand better than Jaina that there are some things that you can’t give away as a leader. If one of those things is Zekk and Taryn Zel’s location, then I understand your hesitation to let us know.”

Tenel ka raised a brow. “That is a bold assumption, Head of State Fel. But an assuring one, nonetheless.”

“I really hate all this political talk,” Jaina said with a frown. “We’re not here with any agenda. I’m honestly just here to find my best friend who I now know is alive.”

“I understand,” Tenel ka said with sympathetic eyes.

“Then just tell me what I need to know. I’m more than willing to forgive you for keeping this from me,” Jaina crossed her arms over her chest as she stood her ground.

Tenel ka remained quiet for a moment until she withered under her friend’s gaze. “Jaina, like Jagged said, there are some things that need to be handled discreetly and without any word getting out.”

“Why involve Zekk?” Jaina asked, “Why make me think he’s dead?”

Jag was surprised to see Jaina’s eyes water. It was a relief as well that she was no longer numbed to her feelings. He was beginning to count this whole excursion as a win.

Tenel ka reached out an arm to wrap around Jaina’s shoulders as she comforted her friend. “I know that the last few months haven’t been easy for you. Believe me, it’s been hell for me too.”

Jaina wiped at her eyes as she took a deep breath to compose herself. “Then help me out. Let me just see for myself that he’s alive and breathing.”

The taller woman sighed. “I can’t say much, but I think I could arrange something.”

Jaina smiled. “Thank you, Ten. I really appreciate it.”

Tenel ka leaned down to whisper something in her ears, something that Jag couldn’t hear. He knew that the two women had their own secrets between them, but he figured he wasn’t close enough to be privy to them.

The Queen Mother was moving over to Jag once she separated from Jaina. “While our systems may have bad blood, know that I have nothing against you at all.”

Jag nodded. “That’s comforting. Thank you again for your help.”

She settled her gaze directly in his eyes. “Take care of my friend, okay?”

He glanced over at Jaina before nodding. “Of course.”

-

Jag leaned back in the pilot’s chair once more, eyes closed as he tried to will himself to sleep. After Tenel ka had given them very important coordinates, Jaina had insisted they spend the rest of the day exploring some of the finest attractions on Hapes since their secret rendezvous wouldn’t be until the next day.

It had been a long time since he’d had fun like that. Hapes had some of the best beaches in the Galaxy and he and Jaina had been lucky enough to get access to a nice quiet one that offered them the perfect environment for what became a well-needed day off.

In all the fun, he’d lost track of time. Now, they’d have to spend their night navigating their way through the complicated set of coordinates that the Queen Mother had given them.

He was almost startled when he felt hands fall on to his shoulders before he recognised the touch as familiar. Eyes shut, Jag smiled as he felt Jaina settle into his lap.

“Wake up,” Jaina said petulantly, “I’m too excited to fall asleep.”

Jag shook his head. “Well, I’m not.”

She gently shook his shoulders. “Jag, give me attention.”

He laughed at that, his hands moving to grip her waist and stop her wriggling around. “Jaina, let me sleep.”

She giggled then, settling herself against him with her head pressed to his chest. The feeling was indescribable; being as close to her as he was now lit up something in him, a fire that blazed as hot as the brightest star. He loved her with his whole being and couldn’t imagine having to spend any more time without her.

“There’s something I don’t understand,” Jaina said quietly.

“What is it?”

She lifted her head so that she could properly see him. Her hands moved to cup his face, coaxing his eyes open so he could do the same with her.

“Why are you doing all of this for me?”

Jag was confused. “Because I love you and want the best for you.”

Jaina frowned. “But why?”

“Why not?”

Something flickered in her eyes, perhaps it was the guilt she was constantly plagued with. “I ruined your life, remember?”

So, they were having this conversation. He didn’t look forward to it. “My life is perfectly intact.”

She scowled at him. “You know what I mean.”

“I do,” Jag agreed, “But your assessment that my life is ruined is false considering that I’m perfectly fine now.”

“You weren’t before,” Jaina argued, “You bounced back, being you and all, but you can’t seriously delude yourself into thinking that suddenly makes everything okay.”

His shoulders sagged. “Jaina, I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Get mad at me or something.”

He stared at her for a moment. “Is that the kind of attention you want?”

“I don’t know. Yes. Make it easier for me to understand,” She said weakly. She wasn’t sure what she wanted him to say right now, and Jag didn’t know either.

So, he leaned forward to press his lips to hers. “I’ve never been happier anywhere else than when I’m with you. That’s all there is to it.”

Her frown only seemed to deepen. It probably wasn’t what she expected to hear and did nothing to ease her worries. But Jag didn’t know how else to reassure her that the events of the Swarm War were firmly in the past. She’d have to come to that realisation herself.

Jaina didn’t say anything, opting to lie against him once more. Jag wrapped his arms around her, and although the chair wasn’t big enough to comfortably accommodate them both, he’d hold on to her as long as she allowed him.

-

_Hapes Cluster, Garborr_

The atmosphere of _Garborr_ was heavily polluted, so much that they had to wear breath masks to prevent asphyxiation. Jag stuck close to her as the scoured the lower levels for what Jaina insisted was their meeting place. Tenel ka’s coordinates simply provided them with a system. It was up to them to do the rest.

“I dreamt about him again,” Jaina said, her voice mechanical as it was projected through the mask.

Jag shimmied through the two stalls that Jaina had easily slipped through as he tried to keep up with her pace. “Did he happen to have one of these masks on?”

She scoffed, “No, but outside the viewport I saw people who did.”

Jag hummed. “Meaning it was somewhere that had indoor air.”

“Exactly,” Jaina continued, “Now, most of the places here don’t seem to have it so that should narrow down our search-”

She paused mid-speech, and Jag saw her eyes narrow. He followed her gaze but could see nothing of interest himself.

“Sensed something.”

Jaina waited a moment before responding with a nod. “It was the same one on _Jenu_. I had a feeling they would follow us here.”

While the idea seemed to excite Jaina, he couldn’t help but be displeased with the idea. “Did you sense them on Hapes?”

‘Nope,” Jaina shook her head. “But perhaps they knew I’d have figured them out if they followed us there too.”

Jag nodded slowly. “You think it’s Taryn Zel.”

Her eyes closed once more as she seemed to consult with the Force. “Not exactly. I remember how her presence felt and this isn’t exactly it. I wouldn’t rule it out, though, but I’m just not convinced.”

“So, do we follow them now?” Jag asked.

Jaina shrugged. “Sure. Are you up for a chase?”

Jag scoffed. “Just try to keep up Solo.”

Weaving through the streets and alleyways, it took a considerable amount of stamina to keep with Jaina’s naturally more attuned instincts. He’d have thought since her injuries she hadn’t kept in shape, but clearly the training she’d done before couldn’t be undone so easily. Still, Jag found himself smiling as Jaina pushed through crowds without batting an eye. None of the things that had triggered her seizures in the past seemed to be affecting her now.

After several minutes, Jag finally spotted who he believed they were following. From the figure, Jag could tell she was female, but she was considerably wrapped up in a way that Jag couldn’t tell much else.

Then, the woman turned around, revealing green eyes that peered at them in panic before she was picking up her pace.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Jaina muttered to herself before launching into a Force-enhanced run and jump that landed her a few meters of their quarry. The woman seemed stunned by Jaina’s display but the shock wasn’t enough to stop her from quickly pivoting in the opposite direction and taking off again.

Jag surged forward, a hand reaching out to grab her arm before she could slide past him and into the alley behind him. He had expected her to fight back, but she had instead become frozen in his grasp. A passer-by bumped into them, knocking off the covering that kept her face hidden.

Jag had a second to look at her before she was jerking her arm away. He let her go, but the momentum caused her to stumble back into Jaina who had by this time crept up on them.

Jaina held the woman’s arms in a firm grasp that Jag didn’t think she’d be able to escape from any time soon.

“Taryn Zel,” Jag said as he got a better look at her face.

The woman, a tall Hapan woman with striking features and long red hair, smirked at him. “I’m afraid you have the wrong gal.”

Jaina scoffed. “He doesn’t have the Force so excuse him. You do look exactly like your sister, after all.”

It was the twin, then, Jag concluded. “My apologies. Trista, was it?”

The smirk fell from her face and was replaced with an irritation that must have been reserved for spies who had their covers blown. “Funny that I’ll run into an Imperial here. Should I make a scene?”

Jag frowned at her. “I’m sure you know that’s not necessary.”

Jaina tightened her grip as she glared up at the woman. “I think you know what we want.”

Trista smiled down at her. “Ah, yes. When the Queen Mother asked me to come down here, I was very annoyed to have to leave my mission to deal with you.”

Jaina shook her head. “You were following us from Jenu. And don’t bother to lie to a Jedi.”

“I should have remembered that,” Trista commented. “Very well. If you’d be so kind to let me go, then I can take you where you want to go.”

Jaina glared at her hard before releasing her grip. “Zekk. No more running around or spy tactics. Take us to him now.”

Now free, the Hapan woman stretched out her arms with a sigh. “Follow me and see.”

-

Jag had expected something much more difficult. His life, and especially his life with Jaina, had included too many twists and turns for him to actually believe that Trista Zel was going to lead them exactly where they wanted to go. But Jag had found no reason to draw his blaster or to put his guard up. He saw the way Jaina’s eyes lit up in recognition when Trista led them to a small upscale café on the other side of town.

As they entered, they removed their masks and were escorted to a table at the back. Trista slid in the booth opposite to them.

“Did the Jedi Council send you?” She asked carefully.

Jaina frowned, her impatience getting the better of her. “No, now where is Zekk?”

“I need to make sure you’re not blowing anymore covers,” Trista said. This was the most serious she’d been the whole time.

Jag waved a hand. “Jaina is currently on a leave of absence from the Jedi Order. As for me, I’m acting independently of the Remnant.”

Trista’s eyes found their way to Jag at mention of the Empire. “Ah, yes. I should kill you now in retribution for the many family members I lost because of your moffs.”

Jaina’s hand slammed on the table before Jag could respond to her threat. The look in her eyes was so deadly, Jag found himself shrinking despite it not being directed to him.

“You touch him and you’re dead,” Jaina spat out. The Hapan made a considerable effort not to look too intimidated, but it was times like this that Jag was reminded that Jaina was the woman who defeated Yuuzhan Vong warlords and Sith Lords alike.

Trista leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest as she huffed. “Fine.”

As if on cue, the doors to the café opened once more and in came the identical copy of Trista Zel donned in a luxurious black coat and eyes covered with dark sunglasses. As she removed her mask, Jaina stood when she finally saw him.

He was hard to miss, being as tall as he was, but even with his hair dyed a light shade of brown, not even Jag could mistake him for anyone else. Jaina was out of the booth in less than a second, until she crashed into him. Jag smiled when Zekk caught her with open arms, obviously knowing she was coming his way.

But then Jaina was pushing him away in a light shove as she started to cry. “You idiot.”

Zekk looked apologetic, his hands moving to her shoulders to steady her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t meant o make you worry this much.”

Jaina pulled him into a hug once more as she let herself sob into his chest. Jag was surprised she’d cry in public, but this was the moment she’d been hoping for ever since she saw his Stealth-X disappear from the sky.

Taryn Zel watched rather unimpressed but smiled brightly when she spotted Jag in the corner.

“Oh, you’re really here too!” She was saying as she sauntered their way. Jag braced himself as the Hapan slipped into the booth beside him.

Jag looked at her for a moment before glancing at her sister across from her, amazed at their identical looks. He couldn’t identify a single feature that was different. Their hair was even the exact same length.

“Uh, hello to you too.”

Taryn scowled at her sister when she noticed her petulant pose. “Darling, don’t tell me you’ve been threatening Jaina’s mate.”

Trista huffed. “Imperials aren’t our friends, Taryn.”

Trista gestured towards Jag. “This one is. You know well he had nothing to do with what happened on the _Dragon Queen_.”

Jag felt rather uncomfortable. “Your sister is allowed to feel however she wants. It makes no difference to me.”

“Hmm,” Taryn hummed as her eyes raked over him. “I see Jaina likes men who are outwardly cold.”

He was always amazed at the ability of Hapan women to objectify men in casual conversation. He also figured that must have been what it was like for women outside of the Consortium.

Before he could reply, Jaina and Zekk made their way to the table, squeezing in beside Trista.

Jag cleared his throat as he regarded his old friend. “So. This is what you’ve been up to.”

Zekk laughed lightly, running a hand through his long hair before saying, “You’re not trying to say you missed me, are you?”

Jag scoffed. “No. But you had me worried sick.”

Zekk’s eyes softened. “I know. I’m sorry to both of you.”

“No, don’t be,” Jaina said. “You’re alive and you’re okay. That’s the only thing that matters.”

A server emerged from the kitchen to place five mugs of something hot on the table before going back inside.

Jag looked sceptically at the drinks. “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

“Oh, calm down,” Taryn said as she enthusiastically to a long sip of hers. “We’re regulars here.”

“Speaking of being regulars,” Jaina said carefully, “What exactly are the three of you up to?”

Zekk shook his head. “I’m afraid it’s very classified. It’s bad enough that we’ve come here to meet you. Honestly, if Tenel ka hadn’t given us the okay we wouldn’t have you let you find us.”

Jaina bristled. “Zekk, it’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. I’m just concerned about where you’ve been.”

“I know. All I can say is that my accident wasn’t so much of an accident. Taryn had already asked me to follow her on this journey and I said yes.”

Jaina’s eyes seemed to fill with recognition. “That’s what you were really asking me back on Shedu Maad, wasn’t it? You wanted me to be okay with this.”

Zekk nodded. “Of course. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”

“Why make me think you’re dead?” Jaina asked weakly. Her tears had long since ceased, but her throat was still scratchy from her sobs. “Do you have any idea how cruel that was?”

“You know better than anyone that somethings need to be kept secret,” Zekk started apologetically while glancing at Jag curiously. “Like the particular secret that you’re keeping from most.”

Jag raised a brow. While Jaina’s face betrayed nothing, he saw the way her hand twitched on the table. So, she did have some kind of secret.

Jaina nodded with acknowledgement. Jag was surprised she’d given in so quickly, but perhaps the secret that she kept was related to Zekk’s disappearance. It was all rather interesting, indeed.

Taryn clapped her hands in excitement. “Excellent, now that we’ve all made up, we can have some fun.”

Trista frowned, “You mean, we can wrap this up.”

Her sister shook her head. “Not at all. I’ve heard so much about you, Jaina. I’d like to see if it’s all true.”

Jaina glanced at Zekk. “Yeah? Like what?”

“Well, while Zekk insists that he was never yours, it seems as if you’d spent many years cohabitating.”

Jaina found herself shuffling away from Zekk and closer to an annoyed Trista. “I mean- I wouldn’t call it _that._”

Zekk scowled at Taryn. “Let’s not go there, babe.”

Jag glanced between them, amused by the exchange. As long as they kept him out of it, he was content with letting them go on.

As if reading his mind, Taryn turned her attention to him as she slung an arm around his shoulders. “I have to say I’m impressed, Jaina. To have two handsome men on your arm like these two was a rather impressive feat.”

Jag would have normally been uncomfortable in this situation, but the sheer humour of Jaina’s horror at seeing another woman’s arm around him made it bearable.

“I-” Jaina stuttered as she glared daggers into the woman’s arm. Jag decided to ease her misery by slipping out from under her grasp.

When he did, Jaina found it easier to speak. “Taryn, look. You’re making this more awkward than it needs to be.”

Zekk agreed, “Truly, but I’m afraid that just how she is.”

Taryn’s smile beamed as she looked at her lover. “Oh, I’m just teasing. I know little Jaina here has more than relinquished her rights to you.”

Jag could almost laugh at the way Jaina seethed at being called little. He could get used to Hapan teasing as long as it continued to prove this entertaining.

“I see that the two of you are an item,” Jaina said, trying to steer the conversation away from herself.

“Yeah,” Zekk nodded, “We are. I see the same can be said about you and Mr. Straight-Laced Imperial over there.”

Ah, Jag thought, it wouldn’t be the same Zekk if he weren’t trying to goad him into an argument.

Jaina flushed. “Well. Maybe not as official as the two of you.”

Taryn cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Are you saying that you can lend him out? I think Trista needs to get over her resentment to Imperials in one way or another.”

Trista scoffed, scowling at her twin. “Ridiculous. Imperial men are far too controlling and not nearly submissive enough to satisfy me.”

Jag thought he saw Jaina go paler than he’d ever seen her. The look of horror on her face was far too hilarious for him to mind the implications of the Zel sisters’ words.

“He is _not_ up for grabs,” Jaina clarified, her voice coming out pitched. “Let’s get that straight.”

Zekk caught his gaze and chuckled when he noticed his amusement. “This is what it’s like hanging out with Hapan women. They dominate the whole conversation.”

Jag joined in on his laughter as Taryn seemed to tease Jaina over the possibility of offering her man to other women. “Jaina fits right in.”

“Jag,” Jaina interrupted the two men’s little conversation. “Please tell them that you’re taken.”

Jag smiled. “I am?”

Her death glare made him take it back in seconds. “…I mean, yes, I am very much taken.”

Taryn sighed. “You’re not as tall as Zekk, but you’re still just as handsome. I’ve some friends who’d love to meet you. Let me know if shorty loosens her hold on your leash.”

What a strange image, Jag thought, but he nodded in agreement. “Ah.”

“I’m glad that we can all share a laugh like this,” Zekk said more to Jaina than anyone else. “But I hope you two understand that we’ll have to assume our anonymity as we complete our mission.”

Despite her earlier embarrassment, Jaina softened towards them. “Unfortunately, I do. But just know that I’m still here waiting for you. No matter what.”

Zekk lovingly looked down at her in a way that made Jag bristle. Perhaps Zekk’s feelings for her hadn’t completely become platonic.

“You count on it, Solo.”

Looking at Jaina, Jag only saw relief in her eyes. At the very least, he knew that Jaina’s feelings were solely that of a friend’s. In that case, he was willing to let it go. After all, Zekk was his friend too.

-

“I can’t believe we just had to let them go,” Jaina said gloomily as she slumped down in the co-pilot’s chair.

Jag glanced over at her as he guided the ship out of the planet’s atmosphere. “They have business to take care of. I thought you said you understood that.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it,” Jaina huffed to herself.

“So, what secret are you keeping from me?” Jag asked casually.

Jaina looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Secret?”

“Zekk mentioned something like that, then you claimed to understand his reasons for disappearing after he did.”

Jaina froze, knowing she was caught. “Oh. That.”

“Yes, that. So, what is it?”

“…I can’t say.”

He hummed. “You expect me to accept that?”

“Please?” Jaina tried weakly.

“Is it that you can’t say because you don’t want me to know or because it’s not your secret to keep?”

Jaina sighed softly. “Believe me, I’d love to unload this piece of drama on to you, but unfortunately it isn’t really my secret to tell.”

He shrugged. “I guess that’s fair.”

“Seriously? You’re okay with me not telling?” Jaina asked carefully.

He chuckled softly. “I trust you.”

Through the corner of his eye he could see the loving expression that adorned her face. It warmed his heart as it always did.

“Thank you, Jag. For understanding and for this. For helping me to find peace.”

Jag shook his head. “This isn’t the end of your recovery, I hope you know that. This is just a start.”

Jaina smiled. “I know. I made a promise to you that I intend to keep. You helped me find Zekk, so now I have to help myself.”

“I think you have a very bright future, Jaina Solo. In the span of the last few days, I think you conquered many fears. Some you didn’t even know you had.”

“I think I’ll have to agree with that.” She reached out to rest a hand on his.

Jag cleared his throat. “Which is why we’re making a quick stop on Coruscant.”

Jaina frowned. “Do you have something to do?”

Switching over to autopilot, Jag swivelled his chair to face her directly. “I have no doubts about how you feel about me, but I also know that the reason you came to the Empire to run away from your problems.”

She swallowed. “Right.”

“You have to go home. Face your fears head on, or at least try to tackle them one by one.”

While Jaina had a naturally rebellious spirit, he knew her disagreement was due to her fear and not out of a desire to defy him.

“What if they start up again?” Jaina asked, referring to her seizures. “I can’t lose the progress I’ve made so far.”

“It can happen anywhere, Jaina. Hell, it happened in my quarters on Bastion. That’s an eventuality you’ll have to face to come out of this for the better,” Jag reasoned with her.

“How do you know that there’s anything better than this?”

“Well,” Jag breathed out, “These last few days have been the best I’ve seen you. You’re alive when you’re working, when you’re on your feet and doing what you think is right. It’s hard for me to accept, but you really do belong as a Jedi in this world. You shouldn’t be hidden from sight, else I fear what the whole Galaxy could come to lose.”

Jaina’s eyes watered as he spoke. “I’m really scared, Jag.”

He pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back gently as he hushed her. “I know. But I believe in you, so please believe in yourself too.”

Jaina pulled back from his embrace, wiping at her eyes as she nodded. “Okay. I’ll go home.”

Jag gave her a comforting squeeze on the arm. “Good.”

“But what about us?” Jaina asked.

“What about us?”

“What will happen if I stay on Coruscant? I doubt I’ll have the time or the resources to be going back and forth.”

Jag smiled. “I have every confidence that I’ll feel the same about you whenever it is that you return to me.”

“I want to be with you throughout all of this. You can’t convince me I have to go through this without you,” Jaina said firmly.

“I won’t try to. But I have a duty to the Remnant to fulfil.”

Jaina frowned. “It’s like no matter what happens, we’re always going to go back and forth because of our individual duties and responsibilities.”

He smiled sadly. “If we didn’t, would we really be us?”

“I guess I can’t argue with that,” Jaina gave his hand a squeeze. “Take care of yourself, Jag. I won’t be there to protect you from scheming moffs.”

“Well, I’ve done well so far. To be honest, I thought they’d have killed me by now, so I count being alive thus far as a win.”

Jaina laughed at his dark humour. “Well, we both saw how intimidating Hapan women can be. Perhaps we have Tenel ka to thank for keeping you alive.”

Jag broke out into a grin. “Thank goodness for that.”

“I love you,” Jaina said suddenly.

“I love you too,” Jag reassured her.

Jaina wasn’t finished, however. “So, you can stop worrying about Zekk. It would be you no matter what he felt. It’s always been you.”

He didn’t know that she’d picked up on that small insecurity of his, that fear that if Zekk hadn’t moved on she’d have difficulty choosing him.

“Are you sure about that?” Jag had to ask, thinking back to her reunion with the tall Jedi earlier.

Jaina nodded. “I’m sure Zekk can tell you about all the dreams I had of you that he had to endure while we were Joiners.”

“Oh, you were dreaming of me?” Jag teased her, “So, do you still dream about me?”

He was pleased when her face flushed. “You wish.”

Satisfied, Jag leaned forward to kiss her. “Okay, I won’t worry about that anymore. I trust you, remember?”

Jaina wrapped her arms around his neck as she crawled into his lap, and thankfully this time they were both fully awake. “It’s my turn to uphold my end of the deal.”

“What deal is that?” Jag asked absent-mindedly as his arms snaked around hers to pull her even closer.

“Well, we found Zekk,” Jaina’s eyes twinkled with mischief.

Suddenly reminded, Jag moved so that his lips were only a hair’s breadth away from hers. “I thought you’d never ask.”

-

_Coruscant, 42.5 ABY_

It wasn’t easy at first. Jaina had done exactly as Jag had asked and had apologised to her family for running her away and had committed to solving her issues.

She had two more seizures since going home. There were days where she was so consumed with guilt that she couldn’t leave her room. Other days, she resorted to avoidance of everything and everyone around her to function.

But she could go out in public and being seen didn’t make her self-conscious. Her sessions with Cilghal proved to be more productive than they were before. She had enough time to reflect on her actions and decisions in life, and while it would never completely be resolved, Jaina had come to accept the truth. She had indeed gone after and killed her brother. She did so ruthlessly and without any feeling. She would have to live with that for the rest of her life.

But despite all those who had died before her and who may have been more deserving of life than she was, she was still in possession of hers, and as long as she had it, she had a moral responsibility to live it. If not for herself, but for those who couldn’t do the same with theirs.

Jaina smiled to herself as she looked at herself in the mirror. She hadn’t seen herself in Jedi robes for almost a year. It was familiar, but somehow felt different. The times she had worn this in the past, she had allowed the burden of her Sword of the Jedi title to bear down on her like the weight of a thousand suns.

Today, she was ready to assume her duties once more. Having passed her psychiatric evaluation a few weeks ago, she had been cleared for duty by the council the day before.

Her uncle had held her long once all the other members had left. He’d pulled away with teary eyes, proud that she’d come this far. Jaina herself found it unbelievable. Almost a year ago she had been restricted to a medward, now she was ready to assimilate back into her life.

The door to her bedroom slid open, and Jaina was greeted with the curious eyes of her niece. Allana shuffled in, moving over to hug Jaina’s short legs. Jaina smiled down at her, noting that the little girl’s head was already at her waist. She was going to be tall like her parents, and soon enough she’d outgrow Jaina just as everyone else had.

Jaina mussed the girl’s hair. “Hey, munchkin.”

“Grandma says you’re going to work again,” Allana said quietly. “I’m going to miss you.”

Jaina felt her heart warm, that same place that was always reserved for her brothers had now been taken up by her niece. She had to make a conscious effort to keep from tearing up. She had forgotten what that place felt like.

“I’m just going down to the temple. I’ll be back for dinner.”

Allana wasn’t satisfied. “Grandma also says that you’ll want to move out.”

“Well,” Jaina chuckled, “I was only staying here for a while. I didn’t always live with Mom and Dad.”

“Are you going to live with your boyfriend?” Allana asked, her sadness replaced with excitement.

Jaina couldn’t keep herself from blushing. “Who said I had a boyfriend?”

“Grandma and Grandpa,” Allana declared proudly.

Shaking her head, Jaina said, “I appreciate the honesty, but let me give you a tip. Don’t be so quick to sell out your sources.”

“So, it’s true then?” Allana asked, uncaring for her advice.

Jaina thought about it for a moment. “I guess it is. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend though.”

Allana finally pulled away from her legs as she gave Jaina a comforting pat on the arm. “He’ll come around, don’t worry.”

_This child watches too much holo, _Jaina thought. But it did raise an important question. While she harboured no delusions about Jag’s feelings for her, would he really want to officially enter into a relationship with her. To Jaina, it didn’t really matter. As long as he loved her and remained faithful, he could call it whatever he wanted. But it had been a long,_ long_ time since Jaina could call anyone her own, and there was a tiny part of her that yearned to feel that again.

“He’s a very busy guy,” Jaina started, “And he’s really weird too. Like, he isn’t like most people and he’s pretty useless when it comes to social mores.”

Allana climbed on to the bed, intrigued. “Does that mean you have to ask him?”

Jaina wasn’t sure. “Maybe, but a part of me is scared he’d say no.”

“But he’s cute, right?” Allana said with dreamy eyes, “And you’re cute too, so that means he has to say yes.”

_Definitely too much holo_, Jaina concluded. “Well, we’ll just have to wait until I see him again.”

Allana pouted. “That’s too long. You only go to visit him sometimes.”

That was true. Jaina had only been able to see him three times since they’d parted ways, and while the reunions were always more than just a happy occasion, Jaina feared what the prolonged periods of long distance would do to them.

“First, you’re upset that I’m going to work, and now you want me to travel so many miles away just to see my boyfriend?” Jaina raised a brow.

Her niece, who was now pretending to be her sister, grinned. That smile reminded her so much of the one she’d see everyday for the first years of her life…

“It’s okay to go away if you’re going to see your boyfriend. Mommy always used to say that men were _really_ good in your free time.”

Jaina laughed aloud. “Hapan women really are something else.”

Allana beamed at the mention of her people. “Mhmm. Besides, I don’t want to leave you, but if I could go and visit Mommy any time then I know I would.”

“I know, sweetheart.” Jaina’s heart truly broke for her niece. Not only did she have to live away from her mother, but she had to live with the woman who murdered her father-

No, Jaina reminded herself, she was the woman who killed Allana’s father. If the child would grow up to see her as a murderer, Jaina would accept the mantle. But for now, she was going to stick to the facts.

“Allana,” Jaina said quietly as she sat carefully beside her niece. “Do you- Don’t you get mad at me sometimes?”

Allana’s eyes showed her confusion. “Why would I be mad?”

“Because of what I did. To your father,” She said while her shoulders slumped.

“Oh,” Allana’s voice got quiet. “It makes me sad when I think about it.”

“I know,” Jaina sighed. She shouldn’t have brought it up. But then a small hand was snaking into her palm and when she looked down beside her, Allana wore a loving smile.

“You saved me from him, and you saved a lot of other people too.”

Jaina wished she could believe that were true. Maybe she had saved the Galaxy, but she hadn’t saved Allana. She’d done something that she could never repair now that the damage was done. The day would come when Allana would be old enough and wise enough to see Jaina for what she truly was. That would be the day that that place in Jaina’s heart would truly be dead, and maybe she would be too.

“You’re my hero, Jaina,” Allana continued, sensing her internal anguish. “I love you, Jaya.”

She couldn’t stop herself from choking up. “I love you too, Allana.”

That dreadful day that Jaina awaited could come in a few years’ time, or maybe it would be decades in the coming, but for the time being she would do anything to keep this girl safe, to love and protect her the way that her father never could.

-

“Let’s double date,” Taryn suggested excitedly.

Jaina, Zekk, and the Zel sisters were currently seated in an upscale restaurant on Coruscant. Jaina didn’t want to be drawn out here alone, but when Zekk had finally resurfaced and reported back the Council a few weeks ago, she took every opportunity to spend time with her friend- when he wasn’t busy with his girlfriend, that is.

Jaina glanced at Trista from across the table, frowning when the Hapan women turned up her nose at her. “You’re saying Trista should be my date?”

Taryn’s eyes brightened, “Oh, Jaina. I didn’t know you swung that way!”

Zekk laughed, using a hand to steady Taryn from where she was almost bouncing out her seat. “She’s a mysterious one, isn’t she? Although, I don’t think Jag would like it if you set Jaina up with your sister.”

How this became the topic, Jaina did not know. At this point, she was getting too comfortable with Taryn Zel’s ramblings. She was naturally chatty and tended to dominate the conversation, but Jaina had found it to be relaxing after a while not having to be the one to maintain the flow. Taryn was a good woman, someone that she was glad for Zekk to have. The way he was around her was something that Jaina had never seen during all their years together.

Maybe Jaina had brought him down with her own misery, but she was at the stage where she wouldn’t let that guilt eat away at her heart. Zekk was happy now, so she would be happy too.

“Why?” Taryn frowned, “Because I was supposed to set him with Trista first?”

Jaina rubbed her temples. She promised herself she wouldn’t let them disturb her peace.

“Sister, how many times do I have to tell you that I’m not interested in Imperials,” Trista began to scold her before pausing as she sized Jaina up. “Well, this one isn’t that bad if you don’t look too hard.”

Scratch that. Jaina was going to die from embarrassment.

Taryn grinned, “What say you, Jaina? I know that Trista is stunning considering she looks exactly like me.”

Jaina forced a smile. “I think I’m good.”

“Pity,” Taryn sighed, “But what I really meant is that we- meaning Zekk and I- and you and your boy-toy should have a double date. Trista is always trying to ruin the fun with her big sister act.”

Trista laughed lightly. “I have to look after my little sister, of course.”

Jaina shrugged. “I mean, I guess I could ask.”

“Ask? Just tell him to come,” Taryn declared.

“She’s Hapan, remember,” Zekk explained, “They don’t ask men for anything.”

Jaina shrugged again, looking to Zekk for an escape. “Uh, sure.”

Taryn seemed to notice her glance. “Oh, Trista, darling, I think Jaina wants to speak to her friend alone.”

“Alright,” Trista said as they both rose from the table, “But just know that I will skin you alive if you make any moves on my sister’s things.”

Jaina stared at her in disbelief. Maybe this was revenge for threatening her in the café all those months ago. “Noted.”

When the two women left together in the direction of the refresher, Jaina was grateful for the first few seconds of silence. Zekk was staring at her intensely and through the Force, she could tell he was probing her for any sign that she wasn’t as ‘okay’ as she had insisted.

“I really am doing much better,” Jaina reassured him. “You’ve seen me back on active duty.”

Zekk nodded. “I have. You look great too.”

“Careful what you say. I don’t want those two to skin me alive,” Jaina joked which got a hearty laugh in return.

“Oops, my bad.”

Jaina absent-mindedly stirred her spoon into the cup of caf before her. She didn’t even know why she had ordered caf when she wasn’t supposed to have any kind of drug- even one as simple as caf- any time soon.

“I know that I’ve been gone a long time,” Zekk started, “But you can still tell me anything. Even the ugly stuff.”

Jaina’s eyes still avoided his. There was a time when Zekk knew everything about her, a time when he would be the first person she’d go to with her troubles. But even before he had gone missing, he had grown weary of that. He must have been tired of being her soundboard for her personal issues. He had more than moved on from her as well. Jaina could feel his love for Taryn Zel brightly through the Force.

Zekk wasn’t really her best friend anymore, through no fault of his own. He had moved on, engrossed in a Hapan mission that the only thing Jaina knew about it was that it was for the sake of her niece, and the consequence of that was that he hadn’t been there when she went through the worst time of her life.

She simply shrugged. “It’s over now. The ugly stuff, as you put it.”

“Jaina,” Zekk said softly, “I want to apologise to you.”

Her eyes widened in shock. “What? Why?”

“This is the second time now I wasn’t there when you really needed me.”

He was referring to the Yuuzhan Vong war, then. After Anakin had died on the mission to Myrkr, Zekk had decidedly stayed away from her for the duration of the war. Jaina didn’t blame him; she wasn’t so self-absorbed to think that she was the only one scarred from that mission. But she was surprised that he’d actually own up to that. Twice now, Jaina had gone through hell and both times Zekk was nowhere to be found.

“Zekk, it’s really not something you need to apologise for,” Jaina said, growing uncomfortable. “You’re not my babysitter.”

“I know,” Zekk nodded, his expression marred by regret. “But after everything we’d been through, the Hive and then everything else, I think you deserved better than me disappearing on you.”

Jaina shook her head. “I- I really don’t think it’s an issue. I’m not mad or resentful.”

Zekk sighed heavily. “Can you just accept the apology, please?”

She cracked a small smile at his exasperation. “Sorry. Yes, I accept your apology.”

“Thank you,” he smiled. “And you can still tell me all the ugly stuff, I’ll always be here to listen and help however I can.”

For that, Jaina was truly grateful. If she hadn’t sensed the Zel sisters moving back their way, she might have even told him about her trouble with seizures and her other problems.

“I hope we gave you enough time,” Taryn said as she took her seat again, her arm linking through Zekk’s affectionately.

He smiled lovingly at her. “Of course. Thank you.”

Jaina found herself smiling too when they kissed. Zekk finding happiness and love was never going to be a bad thing for her. She loved him too much to want anything but that.

-

Jaina rocked back and forth on her feet in the halls of the Jedi Temple. She was waiting for Ben to finish a lesson and then they were supposed to go out for a meditative stroll throughout the city. While they were never strangers, she and Ben hadn’t really gotten close until Mara had died. She hated that it took such a tragic event for them to find solace in one another, but Mara had always been a mother to her. Ben seemed to find it easier to relate to her when it came to feelings about his mother.

It made her feel like an intruder, in a way. She would never know Ben’s pain personally, being so young and having lost his mother the way that he did. But Jaina was also working on her imposter syndrome, meaning she was making a conscious effort to stop downplaying her own pain.

Ben came sauntering out of the Grand Hall. While he was a Jedi Knight in his own right, his father had insisted that he continue his theory education lest he think being a Jedi was all about brawn and not brains.

“Hey,” Jaina said as she hugged her fifteen-year-old cousin. He had long since grown past her, but in many ways he was still just a child to her.

“Come on,” Ben was dragging her by the arm towards the Temple steps. “I have something great for us planned.”

Jaina was happy to let him drag her around the city if that eased some of his troubles. In a lot of ways, she had known Mara better than he did. She had been her Jedi Master, and at that age Jaina had learned a lot more from her about life than Ben probably got the opportunity to being as young as he was. But Ben didn’t resent her for that, he wanted to hear everything that Jaina could possibly tell him about his mother.

Ben was probably the only person who she never had to worry about resentment from. While Jedi were not supposed to succumb to those feelings, Jaina would describe Ben’s feelings towards Jacen as nothing short of hatred. He was more mature than she was at that age though; she had no fears about Ben falling to the dark side over it.

“What kind of story do you want to hear today?” Jaina asked as they began their stroll.

Ben didn’t seem that interested, though. “Oh, it’s fine. I actually just wanted to see something.”

Jaina raised a brow. “See what?”

She sensed mischief bubbling inside him and chalked it up to some scheme he’d planned. She’d indulge him as long as his prank wasn’t too egregious. Knowing Ben, she probably wasn’t that lucky.

Jaina frowned when they turned the corner that led to the Solo apartment. “You know, I may be older than you, but I don’t need assistance to walk home.”

Ben laughed. “Okay, senior citizen, I got it.”

“Why’d you have me come pick you up if we were just going home? I’m sure you could have gotten here by yourself.”

He grinned. “Yeah, but Aunt Leia wanted you out of the house for a while.”

Jaina felt herself stiffen. That meant her mother had something to surprise her with. While she appreciated her mother’s efforts to cheer her up, she hated surprises.

“Don’t get mopey on me,” Ben said with a roll of his eyes. “I think you’ll love it.”

As they drew nearer, Jaina had turned down her Force awareness as per Ben’s instructions. Whatever it was, they really wanted her to be surprised. As they took the lift up to the apartment, Jaina started to ask questions.

“What’s going on?” Jaina racked her brain for the possibilities. She couldn’t find any reason why they would need to surprise her. She grimaced when her mind landed on the only possibility- this was something that didn’t need celebrating.

Ben mimed zipping his lips as he grabbed her arm to bring her to the apartment door, punching in the code and allowing the door to slide open. The living room was dark, causing her senses to heighten before the lights were turning on and the occupants of the room shouted in unison, “Surprise!”

Jaina found herself frowning when she saw the room’s décor. They’d set up balloons and a small banner, and she’d notice that the table was set for dinner. Jaina hated surprises, but she hated birthday surprises even more.

She allowed her father to crush her in a bear hug, then her mother and uncle before she was finally allowed to speak.

“Uh,” she struggled to find words. “Thanks?”

Leia clicked her tongue at her daughter. “I know you said you didn’t want to be reminded about this day, but to us it’s still worth celebrating. So, no complaints, okay?”

She glanced at the banner again, a simple sign with _Happy Birthday, Jaina_ plastered on it. Were they trying to induce a seizure? As a child, the banners had always acknowledged both her and Jacen. It was too reminiscent of the past- it was too soon to try celebrating a birthday- she needed to get out of here before she started to panic and-

“Jaina,” her uncle was saying, distracting her from her thoughts. “Just take a deep breath.”

She nodded as she did as he said. Slowly breathing in and then breathing out again until she felt the panic that was rising up fall to the back of her mind. She was stronger now, she could do this.

“Actually,” Han was saying, “You can’t blame us. This wasn’t even our idea.”

“Whose idea was it?” Jaina raised a brow.

“Mine,” a voice was saying as it emerged from the hallway and into the living room. She spun around with bated breath, hoping her ears weren’t deceiving her.

“Jag,” she breathed out as she naturally found herself in his arms. “What are you doing here?”

Jag smiled at her as he sized her up. “Well, I had some business on Coruscant to take care of. Fortunately, it happened to coincide with today.”

“I missed you,” she found herself saying, uncaring that her whole family was listening.

He chuckled softly, whispering so only she could hear. “I missed you too.”

Jaina felt at ease. In this room were the people she loved the most, and if they wanted to celebrate her in this way, she was happy to let them. Dinner was a blast too, with Allana showing off her communication skills by asking Jag every question under the sun _including_ why he hadn’t yet asked Jaina to be his girlfriend.

Jag had gone red as he stumbled to give her proper answer. “I mean- do you have to ask if someone is your girlfriend?”

Ben’s jaw had dropped, “Jag, dude, of _course_ you have to ask. Otherwise, technically she’s still single.”

“How would you know?” Luke asked with raised brows, then the table was able to share a laugh at the way Ben had become flushed and then gone silent. He wasn’t giving up his secrets any time soon.

“Maybe that’s just how they prefer it,” Leia said, still laughing, “Taryn Zel was telling me the other day that she was waiting to see which one of you she’d set up with her sister.”

Jag made a face at that. “Please let her know, _again_, that we’re both good.”

“Speaking of Taryn,” Jaina jumped in, amused by the turn in conversation. “She wants us to go on a double date with her and Zekk.”

“…What’s a double date?” Jag asked sheepishly.

Han roared in laughter, “Jaina, sweetie, you sure you want to take this one up again? You’ll have to train him better than this.”

Allana nodded enthusiastically, “It’s true! All Jag needs is a little training and everything will be okay.”

Jaina allowed herself a chuckle at that. While Allana was smart enough not to blow her cover in front of Jag, she couldn’t help but show off her Hapan roots.

When the conversation changed to something else, Jaina felt Jag’s hand as it slipped into hers under the table. She turned to face him, smiling as she was greeted with his nervous expression.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a low voice, “I should have asked you a long time ago.”

Jaina was confused for a moment before she understood his meaning. “It’s fine. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

“Still, I want to do this properly,” Jag insisted, always keen on going about things in the official way.

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” Jaina teased him but was only greeted with a serious face.

Jag nodded. “I am. Jaina Solo, will you be my girlfriend?”

“Hmm,” Jaina placed her free hand on her chin as she pretended to think about it. “Yeah, sure.”

Jag’s face broke out into a smile, that half-smile that she’d fallen in love with all the way back on Borleias in a time when she’d felt like there was no hope for the galaxy, no hope for her.

She’d survived back then, and she’d continued to survive through so much more. Jaina had come to terms with this reality; she was a survivor, through and through. With or without anyone’s support, Jaina was destined to be in this Galaxy, a burning brand to her enemies and a brilliant fire to her friends. She was the Sword of the Jedi, but she was much more than that. She was simply Jaina.

Glancing back at her family, she felt a surge of happiness seeing them interact so lovingly despite the many struggles they’d endured just the last year alone. A part of her wished that Mara could be here, and Anakin, and even Jacen, for she still loved each of them fiercely and mourned their loss everyday of her life.

But her heart was divided up into many pieces, shared by the occupants of this same room, and the pieces they held shone brightly through the Force, a reminder that she was never going to be alone.

So, when the part of her heart that belonged to Jacen began to shine once more, Jaina was no longer afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I was drinking when I wrote J/J's hook up ;)
> 
> I really hoped you enjoyed. If you have any thoughts or questions, feel free to let me know. Once I get distracted from my work again, I'll be back with something new :0
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
